Aestara the Zekka

this is an article I found incredibly useful, so I hope that if you're struggling with feelings of isolation and loneliness that you'll take the time to read it. ❤️

What Does “Feeling Lonely Or Alone” Mean For Real?
By Dylan Buckley | Updated March 23, 2022
Medically Reviewed By Lauren Fawley , LPC

Feeling alone can happen anywhere. Loneliness, however, does not always coincide with physically being alone. In fact, we are often capable of spending time alone with ourselves and not feeling lonely. By contrast, sometimes we can be in a crowd of people and still feel alone. So, if that’s the case, what does it really mean when we say that we feel alone?

First, it’s worth it to state that loneliness is a common emotion that most people feel occasionally. If you’re feeling alone too often, though, loneliness may have become an issue in your life. When that happens, loneliness can lead to stress, depression, and other potentially negative health consequences. By understanding how to recognize the feeling of loneliness and what you can do to cope with it, you can improve your mental well-being, both when you are alone and when you are with others. As we explore deeper, we'll give you a few tools to help you understand and cope with your loneliness and its side effects.

𝑾𝒉𝒚 𝑫𝒐 𝑰 𝑭𝒆𝒆𝒍 𝑨𝒍𝒐𝒏𝒆?

Many life situations can lead you to feel lonely. Periods of life change are times when many people are especially prone to feeling lonely. For example, when you move to a new place, start a new job, or end a relationship, you may feel especially lonely. In these situations, you often lose the support systems you previously had in place and may find yourself looking for new people to spend time with and depend upon. When you are taking care of your mental health, you may feel lonely in these situations for a little while, but eventually you can adjust to your circumstances and start to feel better. However, this isn’t the only possible cause for feelings of loneliness.

Often, when we say, “I feel lonely,” what we can actually be saying is, “I feel misunderstood,” “I don’t feel seen,” or “I don’t feel heard.” There’s a chance that, if you’re around people physically but feel alone, this is what’s going on inside. Maybe your family, friends, or even a romantic partner don’t seem to understand what you’re going through. You might be in a situation that they’ve never been in before; it could be that you live with a mental or physical health condition, for example, or that you’re going through a divorce, whereas they haven’t been through those things. Even if they have compassion, they may not fully get it, which can feel lonely.

Other possible reasons someone might feel alone include, but certainly aren’t restricted to, feeling like one hasn’t yet found their place in the world or feeling different from the people one is surrounded by. Maybe your friends are suddenly in a life stage that feels different from your own. Perhaps you haven’t found the career, hobbies, activities, or communities that make you feel satisfied and welcomed. You might be going through a time where you feel lost or without a strong sense of self. Maybe you have changed as a person, or you left a situation where you didn’t feel as though you were able to fully be yourself. This can be a great time for discovery, but it can feel isolating, too.

Regardless of why you feel alone, it can be an unpleasant sensation to experience, and it’s likely that you’re ready to move on from it.

𝑺𝒊𝒈𝒏𝒔 𝑻𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒀𝒐𝒖 𝑭𝒆𝒆𝒍 𝑨𝒍𝒐𝒏𝒆

Maybe you don't even realize that you're engaging in activities designed to dodge loneliness. Or you’re not feeling your best and are starting to suspect that it could, in part, be due to withdrawal from other people or due to feeling alone. Here are some potential signs that an individual might feel lonely:

𝑬𝒍𝒆𝒗𝒂𝒕𝒆𝒅 𝑺𝒕𝒓𝒆𝒔𝒔 𝑳𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒍𝒔
Positive social relationships are thought to be correlated with lower stress levels, so it does make sense that elevated stress levels are often affiliated with loneliness. If you feel lonely, you might notice physical or mental signs of stress, like clenching your jaw, trouble sleeping, or aches and pains.

𝑬𝒙𝒄𝒆𝒔𝒔𝒊𝒗𝒆𝒍𝒚 𝑪𝒉𝒆𝒄𝒌𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝑺𝒐𝒄𝒊𝒂𝒍 𝑴𝒆𝒅𝒊𝒂
Social media is a wonderful way to connect with people, but it does not replace face-to-face interactions. If you're feeling lonely in a relationship, whether a friendship or a romantic relationship, you may want to step back and look at how much real-world time you are actually spending with the people you care about. Sometimes, constantly scrolling through social media feeds is an indication that you are not actually very close to your friends and family; or, if you are close, that you’re missing a certain kind of understanding they can’t provide.

Alternatively, it could be that you’re not around people physically. For example, you might be engaging in social isolation or withdrawing from other people due to feeling down, anxious, or because of something else that’s going on. Studies show limiting social media usage can decrease loneliness and increase overall well-being. So, spending less time scrolling your feeds could actually help you feel more connected.

𝑺𝒑𝒆𝒏𝒅𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝑴𝒐𝒏𝒆𝒚 𝑶𝒏 𝑶𝒃𝒋𝒆𝒄𝒕𝒔
Becoming attached to or spending money on inanimate objects can be a sign of loneliness. Some people try to substitute their love of possessions for the love found in family, close friendships, and intimate relationships. You may like your possessions, but building collections is usually not the best way to make you feel less alone, especially long term.

𝑾𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝑻𝒐 𝑫𝒐 𝑾𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝒀𝒐𝒖 𝑨𝒓𝒆 𝑳𝒐𝒏𝒆𝒍𝒚
When you start to recognize that you feel lonely, you can take steps to mitigate it. If sensations of loneliness are unmanageable, persistent, or if they pair with other symptoms, consider reaching out to a professional who is qualified to give personalized guidance.

𝑨𝒍𝒍𝒐𝒘 𝒀𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝑭𝒆𝒆𝒍𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒔 𝑻𝒐 𝑩𝒆 𝑭𝒆𝒍𝒕
Sometimes, we try to hide or avoid acknowledging our negative emotions, thinking that it will make them go away if we just don't look. Unfortunately, repressing emotions can have the opposite effect of what we want. It’s important to acknowledge your authentic feelings whether you are having difficulty physically being alone or you feel lonely even with others around. Identifying and validating that you feel this way can help you take the next step. In acknowledging loneliness, you may also notice other feelings that could be valuable to address, such as pain, anger, or sadness.

𝑷𝒓𝒂𝒄𝒕𝒊𝒄𝒆 𝑺𝒆𝒍𝒇-𝑳𝒐𝒗𝒆
You have a lot of options for exercising self-love. The practice of self-love, in some ways, simply means taking care of yourself. Often, we don't do the things for ourselves that we would do for others to make them feel better when they are down or are feeling lost and alone. Even if one of the things you need or crave is to find people you can relate to, it can help to treat yourself the way you would treat a friend. Be kind to yourself and practice self-soothing activities. Get in touch with your needs and brainstorm ways to meet them. It may seem strange, but these are things that you can give yourself.

For example, one study showed that when people who were feeling lonely did things that warmed them up, the physical warmth created the same good feelings as emotional warmth from another person. Some things you can try are snuggling up in a blanket, taking a hot bath, or drinking a hot beverage. You can also try physically wrapping your arms around yourself and giving yourself a hug. Sometimes, when we practice self-love, we also learn what we need from other people and are able to take steps toward being more vulnerable and open when it comes to our needs. So, practicing self-love will likely come in handy not just when you’re alone, but when you are around others or setting out to meet new people, too.

𝑩𝒖𝒊𝒍𝒅 𝑵𝒆𝒘 𝑻𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉𝒕 𝑷𝒂𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒏𝒔
Sometimes, feelings of loneliness can pair with maladaptive thought patterns. For example, you might notice all-or-nothing thoughts, personalization, or catastrophizing. An example of a maladaptive thought related to loneliness could be, “No one will ever like me.” There are things you can do to address this and build new thought patterns. Thought reframing is one helpful skill that a lot of people discover when working with a therapist. An example of reframing in this context could be, “I haven't met every person I’ll meet in this lifetime, so I don’t actually know if it’s true that no one will ever like me.”

𝑴𝒆𝒆𝒕 𝑷𝒆𝒐𝒑𝒍𝒆 𝑾𝒉𝒐 𝑼𝒏𝒅𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒕𝒂𝒏𝒅
Sometimes, it’s not just about being around people, but about being around people who truly understand you — or, in some cases, a specific part of you and your life. Think about your answer to this question: Who do you want to be around? What are their traits? With this in mind, how do you find those people?

Maybe, you won’t always have the answer right away, but there could be something specific you’re missing. For example, you might be a part of the LGBTQIA+ community, but you might not have any friends that are as well, or you might not be able to be out to people in your daily life. That can feel lonely. This is a circumstance where spaces like a local GSA, support groups, etc., might be beneficial.

𝑼𝒕𝒊𝒍𝒊𝒛𝒆 𝑮𝒆𝒏𝒆𝒓𝒐𝒔𝒊𝒕𝒚
Giving to others is actually a great way to feel connected. Think of something you can do to help your family or community and do it. This is also a way to build meaning and purpose. Research actually shows that people who volunteer are often happier and feel less lonely.
Develop Your Personal Goals And Interests
Once you've looked at your strengths and interests, it's time to make some goals for them. Having goals keeps you focused on what you really want, and having a focus to go back to helps keep you out of the mindset of feeling all alone.

This could relate to work and your career, hobbies, or something else. Maybe there’s something you loved to do as a child that you haven’t had time for in your adult life, but now you can revisit it. Or it could be that there’s something that you’ve always wanted to try but haven’t yet.

Regardless of what your personal goals and interests are, diving into them can help daily life feel more enjoyable and significant. Learning new things can feel empowering and boost your mood or confidence. This could also help you meet new people, depending on what your personal goals or interests are.

𝑻𝒂𝒌𝒆 𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝑻𝒊𝒎𝒆 𝒀𝒐𝒖 𝑵𝒆𝒆𝒅 𝑻𝒐 𝑨𝒅𝒅𝒓𝒆𝒔𝒔 𝑼𝒏𝒅𝒆𝒓𝒍𝒚𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝑪𝒂𝒖𝒔𝒆𝒔
At the end of the day, if there’s a potential underlying cause for your feelings of loneliness, such as isolation as a result of social anxiety disorder, complicated grief, depression, or something else, it is vital to address it. Sometimes, we try to find an explanation for how we feel that seems “easier” to tend to or cope with and push down our true thoughts and feelings. Someone could fill their day with activities and people but still feel alone. A mental health professional who provides talk therapy may be able to support you, help you recognize underlying causes, and find the solutions that work for you as a unique individual.

𝑺𝒆𝒆𝒌 𝑷𝒓𝒐𝒇𝒆𝒔𝒔𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒂𝒍 𝑯𝒆𝒍𝒑
If you feel lonely often, it may be time to reach out to a therapist or another experienced specialist. A trusted and qualified professional can help you to overcome barriers to connecting with others, and they can provide a safe place for you to practice being open about yourself. In therapy, you can also address matters like feeling misunderstood, symptoms of depression, or anything else that’s going on in your life. You can seek out a professional in your area or sign up for a reputable online platform with licensed, independent therapists and counselors. Feelings of isolation or loneliness can be painful and may impact the body as well as the mind — and they can affect anyone. Understand that you’re not on your own, and don’t hesitate to reach out for help if you could benefit from it.