Writing opinions:Vist

sakura2596 • 12 January 2012 at 11:29 AM

Well,this is my writing for school,i want to know what you think.if i get alot of good reports,i might even make an rp about this! please respond,this took me a REALLY long time,thanks 😊
here it goes.......

Paragraph 1/5
Silverstarr dashed through the green forest like a blur. Everything stopped. She peered through the tall green leaves,leaning closer to make out the words. She was spying. She inched closer,then heard,they said,
"Target found. The Vist Crystal is located at Yumi Valcano,our mission was a success."
Silverstarr started backing away,triping on a vine. She let out a small shriek as she fell to the ground.
"What was that?" a ninja said in the distance.
"Over here!" one ran towards Silverstarr,the others following. Silverstarr got out a kunai,then quickly cut the vine wrapped around her leg. She grabbed her axe,and ran off with ease as she thought about The Vist Crystal.


thats the first paragraph,if people post im gonna d the next one 😊

gvantsa • 12 January 2012 at 6:34 PM

I like it so far 😉 It definitely caught my interest and the action makes me want to know what happens next. Very good word choices too. You describe action and movement convincingly. I was picturing it in my head. But i wasn't sure what Silverstarr looked like, so maybe a description later on would be beneficial. I just got that she's a female so far that carries weapons such as a Kunai and Axe? A ninja maybe? 😋 So that makes me think human female? The name did not seem like a human name at first so I was thinking a creature from egg cave at first or something not human lol 😋

OK I'm blabbing o.o Love to see what else you wrote XD

sakura2596 • 12 January 2012 at 6:41 PM

@gvantsa thanks! yeah,ill do my thing with how they look like,yes,its a ninja story.

here is how silverstarr looks like....


Strait blond shiy hair down to her hips,silver blue eyes,pale,purple hoodie,black jeans,black convers,she carries around a silver axe along with some kunai.

the next post will have the next paragraph! 😊

SPOILER ALERT!

Silverstarr does not talk AT ALL in this story.

hay7199 • 12 January 2012 at 7:14 PM

Kool!

Deleted • 12 January 2012 at 7:16 PM

@sakura2596 if you made it a rp, i would make a chareater or two. 😸

sakura2596 • 12 January 2012 at 7:26 PM

thanks 😋

Paragraph 2/5

Silverstarr started to set up a camp,somewhat,then hearing calls in the backround. She picked up her axe quickly,as scout ninja came out of the trees. She swung her axe around,hitting about three ninja,then ran as the rest chased after her.
"Don't let the rouge get away!" one ordered.
Silverstarr threw a couple of kunai back at the ninja as she ran. She jumped up rocks,nearing the Yumi Valcano. She kept jumping up the small ledges of the valcano,as the gained on her.

Im really close to desideing to make this an rp!

hay7199 • 12 January 2012 at 7:27 PM

You should it is really good!

smilies • 12 January 2012 at 7:31 PM

***Volcano*** I think you mean? 😸

sakura2596 • 12 January 2012 at 7:39 PM

@hay7199 thanks yeah,i desided to 😋


Paragraph 3/5

Aninja ontop of Silverstarr's back making her lose her balence. She started plumiting to the ground other ninja fell as well. Silverstarr hit the ninja on her back with the handle of her axe,making them lose grip and fall off. She swung her axe up,making it catch a rock on the valcano. The axe stuck between two rocks. She climbed up the axe,swinging her body ontop of a ledge. She grabbed her axe back,and continued to climb up the valcano.

ladybugheart • 12 January 2012 at 7:48 PM

Looks interesting, although just a little hard to follow. Could I edit some of the mistakes? (:

sakura2596 • 12 January 2012 at 7:52 PM

@ladybugheart ummmm,sure?

lennyangel • 12 January 2012 at 8:51 PM

@sakura2596 I think, I'm not sure, but I think I saw you post somewhere else that you are twelve so I won't be too harsh. If you aren't, not being too harsh isn't a bad thing anyway.

Your use of language and action is very good, even if there are some spelling errors and a lack of proper proof reading. Unfortunately, you have jumped into action with no explanation of place, time or character. Who is she? Why is she spying? What are the ninjas for? Is she a ninja? Why is she a ninja? Where is this set? When is it set?
Work more on explaining the basics of the story, who, what, when, where, why (very important) and then how before introducing too much action. The story isn't boring, that is wonderful, but it has a bit too much action at the moment. You need to pull back a bit.
Don't be afraid to take your time with the story. Develop bits. Vary your sentence lengths, but appropriately. Short sentences for tension, longer sentences for development of information. Your interest in the writing is promising and you have some natural skill, now all you have to do is focus on crafting your work.

Is that good feedback? Hope I wasn't too harsh. Or too vague with anything.

Deleted • 12 January 2012 at 9:04 PM

Well, I believe you have some very good plot starting for your story😊 I hope my review that I'm about to give doesn't offend you, or hurt your pride, I'm just gonna point out some tips(trust me, I hate people judging my writing, it kinda makes me cringe when they point out my mistakes O_<)

So I think that just in a brief little insert you say who she is and what each weapon is, like for a thought if a weapon was Chinese star thrower thingys:
And at her side gleamed little metal disks with sharp curved bits of metal jutting out from it, Chinese stars, sharpened to kill with finesse.

When I was little, I used to make up stories in my head while I played with barbie dolls. I'd relive scenes oer and over until a movie flowed perfectly in my head. The reason I had to do this, and the reason I still have to do it to this day when writing stories, is because I am a plot writer. So,e writers are character writers, plot writers, or place writers, etc. I have a thing for the plot, so I would start a story, then jump through all the events. To make it flow smoothly I'd think up my plot. Then add in a small characters plot, what events would happen to them. Then aloong the way I added in details.😊

I still do the same thing every time I write a story XD I have to comb through stories after I write them, because I may know the story like a mini-movie is playing in my head. But others may not, and you have to clarify things😊

sakura2596 • 12 January 2012 at 9:38 PM

@lennyangel @iriedcent ok,thanks to both of you,sorry,but i cant change it,this writing is for school,i already wrote down the story on paper and its ready for me to turn in.

im gonna make this into an rp,will you guys join?

lennyangel • 12 January 2012 at 10:29 PM

@sakura2596 Ah well, it's something to think about for the future. I don't rp sorry. Actually, more accurately, I can't rp, I have an inability to haha

@iriedcent You're right about being different types of writers. I think it's amazing you can write plots and things. I'm a short story person so long plots, developments and all that are practically impossible for me.