CRITIQUE WANTED!!! ^^

stellalunagirl • 24 February 2012 at 2:39 AM

Excerpt from the novel I'm TRYING to write..
Any comments? Positive and constructive crit only please ^^

Turning her attention to the two sleeping figures that lay in the confines of the tall grass a mere 30 meters away, she loaded her first bullet and studied her first target through her heat-vision glasses. Lifting the safety, she raised her arms a little, she squinted into the telescopic sight and pulled the trigger.

The bullet whistled through the air hitting the target dead center. The body seemed to jerk, absorbing the impact of the bullet. The other man began to stir so Viper quickly loaded in her next bullet and aimed once more. The bullet flew straight and true, hitting him square in the head, stilling the man?s movements. Viper dropped the sniper rifle on her pack before leaping off the tree. She glanced in the direction of the two bodies and noticed with approval that the colours lighting up her heat vision had already started dulling.

Packing her things she trudged in the direction she came, in her hand she held a small battery operated device. Pressing the button a red LED lit up on the top of the device and started blinking in slow intervals. Viper continued walking, the sky getting lighter as she progressed further and further away from the bodies. Dawn was near and she could hear the distant hum of a helicopter.

karamel • 24 February 2012 at 2:35 PM

@stellalunagirl
Positive: Very nice. I like these kind of stories with rifles and guns in... 😸 Um... wide range of vocab, not over-using words, mostly everything is perfect (or close to it - nothing is perfect, of course).

Constructive: There's not really an explanation of:

- Why Viper is trying to kill (or just shoot) the two men.
- The scene
- What anyone or anything looks like

And where does Dawn come in? Are these two related?

I expect if this is an excerpt from halfway through your novel, these questions (and the other things above) will be explained, but it would be nice to include it so that we can understand.