Please critique? :3

celeste • 9 March 2012 at 8:22 PM

"The world's going to end!" I called, my voice resounding across the empty shell of the lattice structure, pile upon pile of rusting metal upon each other, stacked up in a structure which mocked the Eiffel Tower. As though on queue, solar lights illuminated, one by one, across the lake, defining the emptiness of the tower, highlighting the blackness of the holes, punctured by who-knows-what, creating a dancing show of bouncing lights, hovering over the gleaming lake, the watery reflection of the fireworks above it. Who was I kidding, anyway, with my twisted theories about 'the end of the world'; every therapist I'd been thrown off to had unceremoniously deemed me 'mentally unstable'. Still, it was a nagging feeling, one that would have to wait, at least for now.

With a sigh, I retired into my room, where I had a beautifully made, privately commissioned replica of the tower, with each on of its details carefully etched, without missing a single area. Holding a magnifying glass, I stared at the tower, going over every detail which was no longer visible on the tower; this was of no fault to the maker, it was merely because the tower had sunk into dilapidation so rapidly, even though it had only arrived a few days ago. Upon it, I collected my thoughts, as I would do to the tower; recounting to it how the teasing at school was getting worse, how my parents were considering sending me to a mental hospital.

gumi • 9 March 2012 at 8:22 PM

"Nobody believes" I whispered to the tower, the words lingering on into the night, even though it was a closed space.

The next day, school wasn't any better, with the usual insults being tossed around and such, but even the insults, woven and recorded on makeshift notes, to be filed away, didn't discourage me from spreading what I believed in, even though I had attempted to persuade myself that doing so would have next to no effect on society whatsoever. As I trudged home, past the tower, I stood, and let my thoughts wander about, as the familiar light show performed to a private audience, and the tower sank into oblivion, it calmed me down, even though the lights, in their beautiful, delicate dance, mocked me for being weak. The tower became my only refuge, and that, I did not mind.

One day, as the days slowly sank lower and lower, I wandered beneath the tower, admiring the frame, which still stood, even though it had been weathered away. The hollow whistling of the wind blended into the scene, as the rustling of trees shuffled in their own way, going this way, and that. The sky began to dim, slowly, but surely, and I was left alone with the tower. For the first time, in all of the time I've ever known the tower, the tower showed its true, demeaning face. And I was the victim.

meixiaotian • 9 March 2012 at 8:24 PM

*calls the character weird*
but, I think it's interesting and good...
Now to comb over for miniscule errors...
Oh wait you're not done...
Ah well...

celeste • 9 March 2012 at 8:41 PM

A blinding light illuminated the bottom of the tower, where a small tube, filled with who-knows-what fell out, as though destined for me to open it. Unable to resist the temptation, I picked it up from the ground, limbs quaking, and painfully unscrewed the lid, before a yellowed parchment fell out, neatly rolled up. Trembling, I unrolled the parchment, and what was written there... it was... Just then, I heard the rumbling of the ground, and the sharp cold tingle my skin, wrapping itself around me. Clutching the scroll tight, I felt the ice feeling me up, starting with my legs... my thighs... my waist... and after that... it was... death.

***

A small group of school children stared at the many exhibits displayed, including a variety of silver objects they could not identify. "What's that?" they chorused, at the sight of a chunk of ice, beautifully preserving a girl. Hair flayed out, eyes drawn back in sheer horror, hands clutching what appeared to be a roll of parchment, and, most hauntingly of all, mouth opened in screams. Marvelling the figure, the children asked "What's she holding?" With a smile, the tour guide replied "We could not identify the exact wording of the phrase, but, with analysis, we found it had one word on it - 'Yes'. Gaze upon her, the relic of the past!" Bored by this speech, the children moved on, but, the tour guide darkly added "The relic from the planet called 'Earth', 10 and a half light years away,"

metaphor • 9 March 2012 at 9:17 PM

I'll see what I can do, but it may take me some time. I'm very thorough 😉

@celeste

celeste • 10 March 2012 at 2:41 AM

@metaphor

Oo~ Thankee~ >w<

stellalunagirl • 14 March 2012 at 5:53 AM

@celeste

This is just a basic crit.. (im not much of a critique-er myself)

Watch the numerous commas in the first paragraph.

"As though on queue, solar lights illuminated, one by one, across the lake, defining the emptiness of the tower, highlighting the blackness of the holes, punctured by who-knows-what, creating a dancing show of bouncing lights, hovering over the gleaming lake, the watery reflection of the fireworks above it."

Can you clear up some things for me?
What is the tower?
How are the tower, scroll, ice, and some alien planet linked?


"Trembling, I unrolled the parchment, and what was written there... it was... Just then, I heard the rumbling of the ground, and the sharp cold tingle my skin, wrapping itself around me. Clutching the scroll tight, I felt the ice feeling me up, starting with my legs... my thighs... my waist... and after that... it was... death."

Did she just freeze on the spot?
I think you should try to be clearer with what you write, but still remain an air of mystery.. left for reader speculation. 😉
Hope it helps

duchess • 14 March 2012 at 6:14 AM

@celeste,

Sorry, I'm not very good at critiquing, but one thing I did notice was that a lot of your sentences run on for a long time 😊 You may want to consider breaking them down into smaller sentences.

The concept of the story was a little vague - the purpose of the tower (I'm guessing it was an alien ship - but I'm not really sure), whether the girl's death triggered the end of the world, or if it was merely her who died and the relationship between girl and tower was a little hazy.

But besides that, you used some very beautiful descriptive language 😊