Please review my story! c:

karamel • 7 April 2012 at 6:37 AM

IT IS A ROMANCE. IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 10 YEARS OLD (just turning 10 is okay) PLEASE DO NOT READ.
ONLY KISSING INVOLVED FOR NOW.

CHARACTER PROFILE
I am Aphrodite. 16 years old, not that ancient Greek goddess, though people say the name is fitting for me. Apparently I am a "gorgeous, perfect, eternally young woman". Or goddess. Though I'm not much of one. No, my father is NOT Zeus and my mother is not Dione. I have brown hair, brown eyes, but I don't have brown skin. My skin is pale but it looks brown because I'm so tanned. Palae, where I live, is very sunny. Like most cliche stuff (though this isn't a cliche story, I'm telling you) I have a boyfriend, but this is different. I'm not a snob or a nerd and my boyfriend is actually hot. But I guess you're bored of my profile, are you not? Let's start.

Please post so I can post the first chapter 😊 I HAVE NOT FINISHED THE STORY YET. I MERELY JUST WANT REVIEWS AND CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM.

-Kara
#kara
#story
#reviews
#romance
#criticism

Deleted • 7 April 2012 at 6:51 AM

It is a bit conversational for me. Needs tightening up. You don't need capitals for NOT or SO.

Just say - My skin is pale but it looks brown because I'm so tanned. Palae, where I live, is very sunny.

Keep it concise and simple.

sarahzafirah • 7 April 2012 at 6:52 AM

It's okay. :]

karamel • 7 April 2012 at 7:01 AM

@foxette I'll change it, thank you ❤️
@sarahzafirah c:

CHAPTER ONE
I collapse into his arms. Not because of weariness or shock, but because his arms are arms of warmth and love. They are the arms of the person I want to be with, to love forever. He cradles me in his arms and caresses my lips with his.

Jakub is one of the best guys in the world! No.. absolutely the best guy in the world! The evening surrounds us and the sunset reflects in his dark eyes. I smile, drinking in his features: Dark, shadowy hair, eyes pitch black, skin tanned like a mix of gold and sand. He loves me just as much as I love him and I see his love in his eyes, how he admires my wavy and light brown hair and the way he looks deep into my bronze eyes.

We ran away last week. Or 6 days ago. I can't remember... but I do remember WHY we were running. The bombing... the fires... my dead family... all scarring me forever. Ever since Palae declared war on Qwuen, nothing was ever normal. Our family was poor, and thanks to the war we're even more scarce.

"I'll keep watch for this night. You sleep," Jakub says to me as I sit by the sleeping bag. I yawn whilst he says this: I haven't had any sleep for days since I've been keeping watch. He tucks me in and leans towards my face. I clasp my hands around his neck, his hands on my face, as we both kiss. It lasts for a few (long) seconds, then we part. Jakub's arm is still around my neck as I doze off though, assuring me that he's still there.

Deleted • 7 April 2012 at 7:34 AM

Flowing well! 😊

2nd par. (a little clumsy) You are doing well when you do write in prose and not like you'd speak. The language is different.

Jakub is one of the best guys in the world! No! Absolutely the best guy in the world!

This is much better the character outline you showed me! 😊

Good on you!

karamel • 7 April 2012 at 7:39 AM

CHAPTER 2
"Wake up Ditie." Jakub shakes my shoulder gently. I groan as my head spins, but it spins even more when I sit up. Looking around the cave, the sun dazzles my eyes, even though me and Jakub made a huge cover to block the light out. The cave is a warm but damp place, teeming with moss but having a patch for two people to stretch out on. Thanks to the never-ending drips of water on the overhead rocks deep in the cave, we also have a water supply. It's perfect for us.

I realise Jakub is still looking at me intently since I usually know and tell people what to do. Gazing back at his engaging eyes, I sigh and say, "Get breakfast ready."
"There isn't any breakfast, how can we get it ready?" Jakub says, almost teasing, but then he winces at how insulting it sounds. I take his hand and squeeze it to show I forgive him. Then I seem to find I can't do anything without ordering myself around. Get out the cave, Aphrodite. Now get your spear ready, Aphrodite. Check Jakub is behind you, Aphrodite.

"What do you want for breakfast? Plants or meat? No, don't answer that question, you always go for meat anyway." I blab on, being my own chatty self. Go hunting for a rabbit, Aphrodite. Almost instantly Jakub manages to find a wounded rabbit. It lies there, helpless and almost dead. Dropping my spear (as it isn't needed), I run towards it. I stroke it, then use my fist to deal the final blow. It's a quicker, less painful death.

That's breakfast sorted.

Go back to the cave, Aphrodite.