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lola622f • 16 April 2012 at 6:12 PM
Hi!! I'm trying to write a book, just for fun. Tell me what you think of it! Contructive critisism will be greatly appreciated. 😊-------Jasper needed to get away from them. Fast; before it was too late. Those people were following him. To be precise, they were stalking him. He didn?t know why. What should he do? Jasper ran into the dark streets. The experiment had affected him greatly and he had injured his leg badly. The wound on his left leg was bleeding badly, so it was more of a limp than a run. He kept on running as fast as he can. The people were gaining up on him. Jasper didn?t know where their parents had gone or where Annibelle, his little sister, was. As far as Jasper knew, his parents don?t care very much about him and Annibelle seemed to have disappeared. Even in the dead of night, Jasper could see everything clearly. The moon was covered by a misty cloud. It was pitch black and he could see objects in the street very clearly. To him, nighttime was better than daytime. It was so much more relaxing. Finally, he reached a dead end. Jasper silently cursed. The people came closer. There were seven of them in total. One was a female and she had long blonde hair. -----Not finished!
oranberry100 • 16 April 2012 at 6:12 PM
le post
lola622f • 16 April 2012 at 6:17 PM
. Her red high-heels slowed her down, but she was still quick for someone who was wearing high-heels. Another person was bald. He looked like a stereo-typical construction worker, but he was holding something that looking like a tranquillizer. At least, Jasper hoped. There were three other people that looked exactly the same. They must be triplets; they all seemed to be staring at the silvery moon curiously. Another one was texting on a phone. The last one was the most frightening of them all. Compared to the others, they looked like harmless little kids. That person was a giant. Literally. He looked like a giant that had been into many explosions and survived all of them. He had a missing arm, which was replaced with a plastic one that had red stuff on it. Jasper tried to think about a way to trick them or something. His mind was blank with panic. Being cornered by strange people didn?t happen every day to a 12 year-old boy. The last thing that Jasper knew was him collapsing. And then, everything turned pitch black. ?That?s the last one.? one of the people mumbled, and that was the last thing that he heard.~~~ Jasper woke up. He was in a luxurious bed, and the room was amazing. Even the pain from the wound seemed to have disappeared. ?Where am I?? he wondered, glancing around. The room looked like those five-star hotel ones, everything was amazing and perfect. ------@oranberry100 thanks! 😊 Another bump please?
iceyme • 16 April 2012 at 6:17 PM
That was really good!
maineen • 16 April 2012 at 6:17 PM
I like it so far 😊
lola622f • 16 April 2012 at 6:19 PM
"Hi!" a girl with long black hair said, ?I?m Bianca. ? She glanced at Jasper and smiled warmly. Her eyes sparkled, and she sounded reassuring. "We're in Chicago, Illinois." "Okay..." Jasper wanted to ask so many questions, but he didn't know where to start. It was too confusing, with those people who chased him, and then, waking up at a random place in Chicago. "We're here because we're not completely -- or aren't -- human anymore. All of us were affected by the experiment." Bianca explained. She glanced at Jasper, to see if he was going to freak out or something. "If we're not human, then what are we?" Jasper asked. He wasn't shocked. Bianca was a bit curious, the reaction wasn?t normal. He remembered how he was in the dark alley. Everything seemed so peaceful in the dark and seeing clearly in the darkness definitely wasn?t normal. It just confirmed his suspicions. ?Some of us are Etermires. Come on! ? Bianca said, motioning him to come. Jasper got out of bed and followed her. He was a bit uncertain. Bianca seemed friendly, but something just didn`t feel quite right about her. The way she said, ?Some of us ?sounded a bit strange. Jasper wanted to ask her what the others are, but he realized that she changed subjects almost immediately. He decided not to question her. Jasper had a feeling that it wouldn?t be a good idea to get on her bad side. --------@iceyme @maineen Thanks! ❤️
oranberry100 • 16 April 2012 at 6:21 PM
😃 Coool
lola622f • 16 April 2012 at 6:23 PM
It felt dizzy when he stood up. A wave of nausea came, but it disappeared as he followed Bianca. They went out of his room and into the halls. There were many doors, just like the ones in hotels. All of them had a number on the door, although each door was completely different. Each door was painted in a different colour. Jasper had never seen so many different types of colours before in his whole life. Some were pink; others were this bluish-pink-green, which ironically, went together pretty well. Bianca and Jasper walked into another room. There were a few others in there, only around 20 people (or Etermires). All of them looked pretty gloomy. He noticed that despite the amazing, high-tech place, everyone was looking as if they didn?t want to live anymore. Why wouldn?t they? Okay, he felt a bit homesick too, and everything seemed so strange. Besides, most of his questions weren`t even answered yet. Everyone stared at him and broke into a hushed whisper. It made him feel more self-conscious. He didn?t like people and that was another reason why he didn?t like them. At school, people never bothered to talk to him and he never bother to talk to them. The feeling was mutual. ?Don?t worry. Everyone is pretty nice around here.? Bianca said. Jasper sat down on a couch. Bianca sat beside him. It felt awkward and there was tension in the air. ?Why are we even here?!? Jasper asked.
jasper • 16 April 2012 at 6:26 PM
?I dunno. We were just captured. All of us never had a choice. They didn?t explain to us or even bothered to talk to us. The humans don?t bother.??Oh.? Jasper still thought that Bianca knew more than that. There was a reason.?I think that the humans want us to help them though. Just don?t tell anybody? It was too late. The hushed whispers stopped and everyone turned to see who said it. A ripple of suspicion came over everyone, including Jasper. Thousands of eyes stared at her.?It?s just a theory.? Bianca shrugged. She tried to look innocent, but it didn?t work.?Do you help the Humans?? a girl about Jasper?s age asked. She had curly blonde hair and amber eyes. She was wearing a white t-shirt and a turquoise translucent shawl. A wave of questions broke through the crowd. Everyone was talking (except a little girl.) She was quiet, and she was just listening. Jasper got up and left. He hated loud places. It was time to do some exploring.
iceyme • 16 April 2012 at 8:00 PM
Nice
hay7199 • 16 April 2012 at 8:04 PM
LOVE IT i like the little girl! *Heheheheeeheehehheeh*
sstwins • 16 April 2012 at 8:06 PM
@lola622f Its cool! Is this the one with Pepper in it? 😊
lola622f • 16 April 2012 at 8:06 PM
@hay7199 thanks!! Is there anything that I can improve on? @iceyme thanks!! 😊@sstwins hmm....yup, but with a different plot.
hayz • 16 April 2012 at 8:07 PM
@lola622fAwesomesauce dude, --OHMAIGAWD.DATS SCHOO NAWT FAIR. D:I WANNA GO TO DISNEY WORLD! [/land]
lola622f • 16 April 2012 at 8:08 PM
@hayz *understood half of the post* XD Thanks!!!
hay7199 • 16 April 2012 at 8:08 PM
Yes,there needs to be a girl named Dark in there and there needs to be a love secne.And that little girl can be a girl named Victoria! Hehehehehehehe i love my job! *Jk jk jk*
hayz • 16 April 2012 at 8:11 PM
@lola622f And I'm STILL waiting for 'Dark' to rejoin. D8NOW, LEMME EAT YOUR STORY.
lola622f • 16 April 2012 at 8:11 PM
@hay7199 XD I'm gonna add Dark in there. Victoria....good name.....@hayz I have multiple copies of it. On Miss Literati, on eggcave, and on microsoft and email.
hay7199 • 16 April 2012 at 8:12 PM
@Lola622f ask me for any other names if you ever need them!I love to make new names! Exotic natral fun cool crazy! I have soooooooo many name genra's!
hayz • 16 April 2012 at 8:13 PM
@lola622f. . .FFFFFF-*Smashes you*Oh yeah... I haven't been on Miss Lit for a long time......
lola622f • 16 April 2012 at 8:14 PM
@hayz is it boring? XD *suffers from major nosebleed*@hay7199 what's a good name for a boy? :/
stellalunagirl • 16 April 2012 at 8:16 PM
@lola622fI just read the first post but I could see some grammar mistakes and some mixed up tenses.Let me explain:"Jasper needed to get away from them. Fast; before it was too late. Those people were following him. To be precise, they were stalking him. He didn?t know why. "I think it should be "Jasper needed to get away from them, fast, before it was too late." "To be precise" is not really needed in the sentence. So what I think it should be is,"Those people were following him, no, they were talking him, and he didn't know why.""Jasper ran into the dark streets."I think "Jasper ran THROUGH the dark streets" is more appropriate."The experiment had affected him greatly and he had injured his leg badly. The wound on his left leg was bleeding badly, so it was more of a limp than a run."You used "badly" twice too close together, maybe try a different adjective?"He kept on running as fast as he can." Mixed up tense, it should be, "He kept on running as fast as he COULD". "The people were gaining up on him."I think "THEY" should be used instead of "the people"."As far as Jasper knew, his parents don?t care very much about him.."Another mixed up tense, should be 'DIDN'T" instead of "don't"
hay7199 • 16 April 2012 at 8:19 PM
@Lola622f Hmmmmmmm boys huh? KKAndrewJohnMikeJasonMylesJordan (Also for a girl)KevinJamesChanceKeithTristenRonaldJadenWarenAshtenThats all i got right now
sstwinz • 16 April 2012 at 8:19 PM
@lola622f Am I in it? (wink wink) 😃
lola622f • 16 April 2012 at 8:22 PM
@stellalunagirl thanks for pointing those out!! I never noticed. ❤️ @hay7199 How do you list names so fast?! O.o
stellalunagirl • 16 April 2012 at 8:22 PM
@lola622fThats all the crit i have for the first post lol, its just what I think needs to be fixed, good luck with the rest xD
hay7199 • 16 April 2012 at 8:23 PM
@Lola622f im prepared for i have a boy OR a girl 10 years from now! (Im 13)
lola622f • 16 April 2012 at 8:24 PM
@stellalunagirl lol. Thanks!!!@sstwins yup. Pepper's personality is so amazing!!
stellalunagirl • 16 April 2012 at 8:25 PM
@lola622fI'll crit the rest when i'm free, ping me! 😊
sstwins • 16 April 2012 at 8:28 PM
@lola622f Aww, thanks!!!