I wrote a poem - please read it ;A;

whispers • 7 October 2012 at 4:36 PM

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP!
The alarm goes off, it's only 5: 30.
It's pitch black out, and my room's cold.
I slip into some clothes,
And shove my schoolwork into my backpack.
Putting it on my back, it quickly weighs me down.
Coming down the stairs,
I smell breakfast cooking.
It rumbles my stomach, and makes my mouth water.
Laying my bookbag on the floor by the door,
I sit down at the table.
The old wood of the chairs creak as I adjust my weight.
I began to shift my weight around on purpose,
Making a beat out of the creaks.
My mom however told me to knock it off - as she laid down my plate.
Looking at the clock - I only have a few minutes before I have to head out.
I shoved the food down my throat and tidied myself up In the bathroom.
The clock says 6:15.
It's time to go.
Quickly, I slip my Chucks on and grab my bookbag.
I dart outside with my flashlight,
It's still quite dark out.
As I walk up the driveway,
The chorus of crickets hums a simple note; E flat - I think.
I can also hear the crashing of deer antlers down by the creek.
I clap my hands and they dart out in all directions,
I could just hear the crunching of the leaves from under their feet.
As I reach the road - I hear a 'hoo', or was it a howl?
I couldn't tell, but I stayed cautious until the bus came.
Then after I got on and took my seat,
I popped in my ear buds, and I let my music play.

viola • 7 October 2012 at 4:38 PM

!-!-!
This is my usual morning. I decided to write a poem about it - because I was bored XD

Please tell me if this is deviantArt worthy or not.
And it is in free verse, yes. 😊

Deleted • 7 October 2012 at 4:38 PM

@whispers it's awesome.

kelch1000 • 7 October 2012 at 4:39 PM

@whispers

This is really good! It defiantly puts a picture in your head of wat's going on. ^^

whispers • 7 October 2012 at 4:44 PM

@kelch1000
@izzfred
Thanks 😸

kelch1000 • 7 October 2012 at 4:46 PM

@whispers

Ur welcome. 😊

Deleted • 7 October 2012 at 4:46 PM

@whispers no problemo.

mib666666 • 7 October 2012 at 4:48 PM

@whispers for some reason i imagined this being a song 😋 its awesome btw

whispers • 7 October 2012 at 5:19 PM

@dreamer
You are an epic poet~ Do you think you could review this? xD

goku • 7 October 2012 at 5:21 PM

@whispers I'm an epic poet! I won two national awards for my poems! > : p


(I also won some money. Hee...)

whispers • 7 October 2012 at 5:23 PM

@goku
I didn't know that ;A;
And that's cool 😃

goku • 7 October 2012 at 5:25 PM

@whispers Yeah! I can review your poem > 😉

katelyn • 7 October 2012 at 5:40 PM

@whispers
Love it!

whispers • 7 October 2012 at 6:26 PM

@goku
Then can you 😸
And why you feeling sick? D8 *pokes status*

solaris • 7 October 2012 at 6:40 PM

@whispers

Great job! Also, for some reason, I kept reading it in my head with a rap-style beat! 😋

dreamer • 7 October 2012 at 9:34 PM

@Goku /Where/ did you get awards for your poems? I need to enter some contests!

@Whispers I like your poem. 😊 It's very descriptive, and I could visual everything going on.
Description is important in ALL sorts of art, poetry included. Hear, touch, taste smell, sight? (although I'm sure you've gone over this years ago in English class XD)
Personally I'm not a huge fan of free-verse poems, but this one was really good. 😉

goku • 7 October 2012 at 9:41 PM

@dreamer


Two I won:


The Prevention Of Child Abuse Award

The A.R. Ammoms Poetry contests.


I'm really good at stories as well.

awesomeness365 • 7 October 2012 at 9:51 PM

@whispers Awesome. Pure awesomeness. So realistic, and you can really relate to it. o3o

metaphor • 7 October 2012 at 9:56 PM

"Putting it on my back, it quickly weighs me down. "


I'm sorry, I hate acting like the Sheriff of the Grammatical Justice, but this is one of those stylistic things that I always feel the urge to correct because it makes the poem a lot smoother.

What I mean is, we have a case of The Dangling Modifier here.

The way it's worded makes it sound as though the backpack is putting itself on, rather than sounding as though you are putting the backpack on.

A suggestion as to how to fix it:

"When I put my backpack on, it weighs me down."


...or something like that. Now you're doing the putting-on and your backpack's doing the weighing down. Yay!


@whispers


Also @anyone who is seeking writing competitions and/or a place to submit writing:

Check out Duotrope.com! It's a huge database listing tons of literary journals, both those currently open to submissions and those currently closed. Contests are listed as well, but there is a reading fee for many of them. However, you may find a few that are free. I love this site!!!