Grasping for Consciousness - A Story

cocokit123 • 30 July 2011 at 4:16 PM

Intro

I ran into the streets, ignoring Mothers yelling. I had already told her that I was going to play baseball with Tommy and Jacob today. A little thunder wasn?t going to stop me.
As I ran through the heavy rain I cursed at Mom. She thinks that she can control me, keep me from doing what I want to do. Well, she?s wrong. She was going to keep me in my room, away from the field and my friends. Maybe she wanted to close the doors on me and not feed me dinner, like they do in fairy tales. Well, I was not going to get locked up in my room. I was running to the field to play baseball.
A car swerved and honked to avoid another driver, spraying me with dirty water. I could see the agitated faces of the adults behind the wheels, nervous and scared. Sometimes it feels like parents are afraid of more things than kids. That?s why I think that kids are stronger than there mom and dad and we should take care of them instead of the other way around.
I?m glad I?ve been to the field so many times that I?ve memorized the way because if not I would be lost by now. I can barely see anything by now, the wind and freezing rain was so strong. I struggle to look up, but when I do I see the tall, chain link fence surrounding the park. The only thing standing in my way was the road.
TO BE CONTINUED....

lizardfeather • 30 July 2011 at 5:35 PM

@cocokit123
Nice story 😊 I just wanted to point something out (I can delete this post if you want 😋)

"I CAN barely see anything by NOW, the wind and freezing rain WAS so strong. I STRUGGLE to look up, but when I DO I SEE the tall, chain link fence surrounding the park."

Right there it switches to present tense, when you've been in past tense the rest of the post 😸 I would change 'can' to 'could', 'now' to 'then', 'was' to were', 'struggle' to 'struggled', 'do' to 'did', and 'see' to 'saw' just to keep the writing style consistant. Unless you want it to be in present tense, in which case you would have to change the other part of the story.

It would be like this "I could barely see anything by then, the wind and freezing rain were so strong. I struggled to look up, but when I did I saw the tall, chain link fence surrounding the park."

Not sure if you wanted commentary but you need another post here anyway to continue. 😋 Like I said I can edit it to one character if you don't want this here 😉

cocokit123 • 31 July 2011 at 11:02 AM

@lizardfeather It's ok, I know my grammar and spelling kinda stink.... You can edit, if you want to...

INTRO(CONTINUED)

I pull my black hoodie over my head even more, getting ready to charge. I rush onto the tar, not bothering to look both ways. I don?t hear a car, so there must not be one there.
The ground is invisible. I?m nearly blind by now, wind stinging my face. I had only seconds to realize what was happening when I slipped and fell onto the cement.
Crying out in pain, I look down at my ankle. I can just barely see it in its strange, twisted position. Struggling to get on my feet I hear a faint rumbling. My senses are numbing and I can?t tell whats going on. Is this what death feels like? I only had enough time to think that one sentence when I turned to face a car light. A heavy force rammed into my chest and the world faded before me.
TO BE CONTINUED...