Another whiny topic by yours truly.

metaphor • 3 October 2013 at 2:15 AM

Sooooo I wrote something truly crappy. Like seriously--it's bad. And I turned it in for a class. For a professor who always talks about how she wants to get together with me someday and talk about my work, who told me last week at our conference that she's so happy I'm in two of her classes and that she's glad I applied for the literary journal selection committee again, who is my academic adviser. I remember the first class I'd ever taken with her; I got an A on my first paper. I didn't know she was a particularly hard grader, but when I found out, that A meant even more to me. She wanted to use it as an example for future classes even...

Well, then here's this awful piece which I am sure she is going to hate. I know this might all be in my head, but I think she's already read it and graded it and I've been interpreting her actions toward me over the past few days as signs of disdain. =/

I just can't shake this feeling from my head. I'm beating myself up, telling myself I should have worked harder, when really, eventually I had to put the darned paper down. We get them back on Monday. She said the grades are fine, just some focus issues. Honestly, I usually don't care about grades, but when it comes to papers and to professors who seem to like me, I see getting anything less than an A- as a disappointment to them.


And to think I'm in college. Shouldn't I be over this "THE TEACHER NEEDS TO LOVE ME I CAN'T DISAPPOINT" crap? Apparently not.

Time to get ready for a weekend of anxiety at work. Better pack that ginger ale!

whereiscupcake • 5 October 2013 at 4:19 PM

@metaphor Unfortunately, I don't think anyone can ever get over wanting their teachers approval over what they do and to achieve the highest grade possible. If you have been used to success and being pushed that is especially so. I am only in Year 10 however I am being pushed for A's and A*s already which I am only hitting right now in Art, History and Science (I can't see myself getting my forcast A in English. Ever. Not even in the space between now and the main exams in 2 years. You are doing amazing in my eyes, an A on your first paper? I couldn't do that in my dreams...a C is my minimum, B is my highest when it comes to analysis and poetry- so boooring! 😋 ).

I think you are just panicking yourself and overthinking this, as hard as it can be to believe when you drag yourself into the thoughts that far. I would say try not worry but I am myself and know saying that is useless, so I'd just ask the teacher. If you are scared to ask, then you really shouldn't be. You would be going to ask a question about your education, and they should answer it without questioning or getting annoyed because it's for your benefit.

Trust me, if teachers picked favourites for grades, I am the most hated pupil in the school. I thought on Friday when I started an English CAT that the teacher was giving me the evils (Love that phrase...) but she wasn't. I spoke to her after and she was perfectly nice. She was just monitoring the class and I happened to look at her at the same moment.

Sorry if I made things worse rather than better...I have a tendency to that and will just slink away if I did...

metaphor • 8 October 2013 at 11:57 PM

@whereiscupcake


No, no, you actually make me feel a lot better. Thank you! Sorry for being so slow to reply; I am trying to write while fighting an awful block as we speak.

And haha, don't beat yourself up over it. I may be decent at analyzing poetry, but that's because that's my thing. I am a nerd about it.

But consider this: I had to drop an INTRO CHEMISTRY CLASS because I was failing so badly. I think I even got like a 12/100 on one test. I wish I were kidding. And this is when I was a Bio major. Hahahaha! Annnnd I have to retake a required Math class again because I failed it. I'll admit, I slacked off a bit and had a poor attitude about having to take a Math class. But even when I did do my homework, it all just felt pointless because I'd be sitting at my computer screen for hours and still be understanding absolutely nothing. Did I mention I scored a 17 on the Math portion of the ACT? BOTH TIMES?!?!

And when I was a Bio major, I could study for hours, make flash cards, and still get no higher than a low B on an exam, while the girls next to me got A's on every test.
I felt like crap, but eventually I accepted that science is simply not my niche.

But anywaaaaay, I'm going to offer an update here: I got my paper back, and...I got an A. BUT

It has to be just because the professor knows and likes me. Even she saw flaws in places (nothing glaring, but little formatting issues and chances for further development) and she still thought it A worthy? I promise you, any other professor and it would have been a low B at best. And she did tell the class she graded generously. She may be one of the department's harder graders, but she is also notorious for having favorites. Perhaps I am somehow one of them? I don't know, but that was not an A paper in my eyes.

She wants a copy of it. It's really not my best work, so I'm not so sure about that.

james-bond • 10 October 2013 at 9:39 PM

I know exactly how you feel. The good thing about it though is that it does push you to try harder, it's just another source of motivation. The more motivation you have, the more effort you'll put in, and the better you'll do. 😉 The best of luck. Just remember, when you get stressed, that one paper you want to do so well in is just ONE paper and it shouldn't control your mind and life.