Opinions On This Story, Please?

pipkitten • 20 August 2011 at 1:10 AM

I've been working on stories for my pets on Subeta.net lately, and I'd like a few opinions on a currently unfinished story! 😃

Just on a side note, it's quite dark and creepy...

http://subeta.net/pets/kjhjfybfdf

nkiay • 20 August 2011 at 1:18 AM

@pipkitten

Interesting. Though "dark as black coffee" is very unscarey. Its completely the opposite feel you are trying to go for. Try "dark as the blackest night", or something like that. The coffee just makes me giggle and want to sniff him 😃 No offense. 😉

pipkitten • 20 August 2011 at 1:21 AM

@Nkiay: No offense taken; thanks for giving me your opinion!~ 😉
Lol, I hit a brick wall when it came to that description... So I just put the 1st thing that came to mind. 😋 I'm going to go change it right now!

honor • 20 August 2011 at 1:34 AM

*poke*

pipkitten • 20 August 2011 at 12:02 PM

*resurrects dead topic* 😈

cqpkytty • 20 August 2011 at 1:38 PM

howabout,

dark as midnight with no moon or stars

yeepers • 20 August 2011 at 1:47 PM

@pipkitten

I love it 😃

I love your pets on subeta, especially the creepy ones 😊

pipkitten • 21 August 2011 at 6:17 PM

@Cqpkytty: thanks for the suggestion, but it's a bit too wordy. ^^;

@Yeepers: Thanks!~ 😃 Haha, the creepy ones are my favorites.

cqpkytty • 21 August 2011 at 6:26 PM

@pipkitten
maybe
"dark as midnight with no moon"

pipkitten • 21 August 2011 at 6:30 PM

@Cqpkytty: Hmm... I'll consider that one. 😉

cqpkytty • 21 August 2011 at 6:30 PM

@pipkitten
yay!

but I have a more poetic (cooler) version:
dark as moonless midnight

pipkitten • 21 August 2011 at 6:33 PM

@Cqpkytty: I'll consider that as well~

lizardfeather • 21 August 2011 at 7:33 PM

@pipkitten I like how you have it now 😸 Here are some alternatives though 😋

"Heartless as the widest void."
"Vile as the cruelest demon."
"Fearsome as the mighty dragon."

I felt like doing that xD It's kind of fun 0_0

pipkitten • 21 August 2011 at 9:14 PM

@lizardfeather: Glad you like it!~ ^^ And I love those alternatives.... Especially the demon one!

honor • 21 August 2011 at 9:24 PM

😊

pipkitten • 21 August 2011 at 9:26 PM

Pinging a few people! 😋

@Smilies
@Crescentfeather
@Zhachai
@Whimsical

Opinions pretty please..?

smilies • 21 August 2011 at 9:28 PM

@pipkitten Change 7 to seven and evilly to coldly, that's what I'd do. Evilly sounds.... Funny xD Like they are playing a prank to me 😸

pipkitten • 21 August 2011 at 9:33 PM

@Smilies: Thanks for the suggestion! 😊 It's been changed~ 😋

zhachai • 21 August 2011 at 9:40 PM

@pipkitten
a good short story, it needs some fine tuning though, for example:

"I have no name, although I am many... I come to you in the form of your deepest fears... I am what you wish upon your enemies but never yourself..."

possible alternative version:

"I have been called many things, but no name is yet mine... I embody all your fears... I am that which you fear to summon, but in your terror your mind must name me... I am the darkness in your own heart..."

The vibe of the story is there, but the meaning hasn't been elucidated as yet. Keep up the good work though!

crescentfeather • 21 August 2011 at 11:55 PM

...and those people just said all the things I was going to say. -_-;

Good work! 😃

whimsical • 25 August 2011 at 1:10 PM

@pipkitten It's amazing! It's great! It's fantastical! It's.... EPIC!