Unlogic: An Autobiography

jello • 7 April 2017 at 3:42 PM

My name is Dr. Genius. I'm so smart, I got a -5 on my IQ test. So I was walking down the street one day and I met a Dorito. He was ten feet tall and wore a Walmart bag on his head. He took the bag and kidnapped me. He put me on a big yellow bus. I manage to escape and I find a green lizard staring at me. I'm on the magic school bus! We drift through the sky. We see Dat Boi, Chuck Norris riding a unicorn, and a pigeon with a popcorn kernel as a head. As we drift into space, we pass the MOON. It is the highest of all bouncy balls, so it deserves respect. It bounced so high, it left the atmosphere and now it orbits the Earth. We pass Venus. At this time, Mrs. Frizzle is either drunk, asleep, or dead. We barely miss Mercury and we crash into the sun. It's night time, so we don't die. We manage to make a magical wristwatch out of Mrs. Frizzle’s earrings. It helps us teleport through time. We go and we are in the dinosaur era. We make an important discovery. Dinosaurs lived on the sun! It is 4 am. About to turn day! We hop on the bus and get back to the MOON. You know why they call it the MOON? There is this ‘myth’ that the moon is made of cheese. Cheese comes from milk. Milk comes from cows. Cows say “Moo”. Therefore, it is called the ‘MOO’N. As we explore, we find the American Flag. Our poor lizard didn't handle the pressure of death by no air, no water, no food, extreme heat, extreme cold, and the vacuum of time travel. So we spruce up the flag. You know how a lot of flag poles have that gold ball at the top? On this flag, it's green. We hold a memorial. It's kinda useless, because our tears immediately evaporate. As it seems, we are standing on cheese. Cheese is not good for flip flops. So we go back to Earth. We walk out onto the grass like superheroes. Have you ever seen a dinosaur reading a comic book? Well, I haven't. So it wouldn't make very much sense that dinosaurs would care about superheroes. Within ten minutes we get ten multiples of ten mosquito bites. Thankfully we have a magic watch. We use it to go to Walmart and buy some bug spray. Now we can fight fire with fire, but I don't have much interest to go back to the Mosquito Era. They still roam, but less powerful. I just am not wanting to do much, so I walk around Walmart. Weird things happen at Walmart, apparently. I see a woman putting perfume on her cat, a baby feasting on marshmallows in the candy isle, and a hamster wearing a miniature football helmet. He should be drafted. I just buy a pack of mini doughnuts. Powdered sugar. They’ve amped up their game. When I get settled, my chemistry will be on point. No Walmart will withstand my top product. No time for that now, however. I just want to find out how cows got on the MOON. I looked it up and it was obvious. Back in 1936, the Japanese cooperated with the Germans with the making of the death gas for the genocide. They first tested it out on cows. Most of them died, but there was this one family of cows that were immune. They were scared, so they sent them off to a small farm in Japan. So in 1945, when America dropped the second nuclear bomb (AKA Fat Guy), there was those cows again. They were resistant to the nuke, so they went flying. It was a full MOON that night, so they landed on the MOON. Over time, their milk made cheese and so forth the myth. Now, I was tired so I wanted to check the time. I realized that during mid-time travel, my watch fell off. I was scared. All of a sudden, a wormhole popped out of the ground. An army of cavemen charged through. I pull out my bug spray, disregard the warning label, and spray. A swarm of moths, mosquitoes, wasps, and ladybugs came spewing out of the can. About thirty minutes later, there are masses with bumps on them. I have a slight feeling that they might be cavemen. People cheer, wave, throw tomatoes at the lumps, and hug me. Even Nickelback’s grandmother is there. We decide to sing a duet. She's got more talent than her grandchild, it appears. The ‘cavemen’ wake up, grab the bug spray can, and throw it at me. I fall to the ground; unconscious. When I wake up, Nickelback’s grandmother is by my side. You know those walker things with tennis balls on the feet that old people use? She has one, but instead of a tennis ball, she has a bug spray can. I laugh at the irony, but my gut feels like it's going to die when I do so. To help cheer up my gut, I eat the powdered doughnuts. As I eat them, a giant Yorkshire Terrier comes up and licks my ear. At the sight of the terrier, a bunch of little girls run in fear, and a bunch of little boys cling to it's leg. We decide to name him Harold, as he has brown spots and furry fur. Now, I have a giant dog, an army of 5-year-olds, and an empty bag of doughnuts. One of the five-year-olds take the bag from me and suffocates himself with it, inhaling the powder and blocking his airway. Well, at least his last memory was savoring the taste of doughnuts in his lungs. The dog licks me and picks me up. I hop on its back and he runs as fast as he can, the children hysterically screaming at us. The dog goes to my house, puts a foot through the roof and stops suddenly, knocking me forward. I land into my bed with a thud. I awaken with a snap, startled. My mom is at my bed, telling me school is going to start soon. “You can't become a doctor if you don't wake up early enough for school!” My sister is hysterically screaming in the kitchen, and there is a bowl of spilled yogurt on the floor. Harold, our little terrier, is licking up the mess. I get my bags and go to school. Right before I hop on the bus, I see a Walmart bag and a bag of Doritos blowing in the wind. How ironic…

poptarts • 8 April 2017 at 11:30 AM

@jellifysh I'm surprised the person was even able to form proper sentences, correctly spell words, do simple tasks as walking and remember all that happened with an iq of -5. ;-; Poor doctor genius. He would basically be considered completely brain dead.

ethereality • 8 April 2017 at 11:32 AM

@jellifysh he must be real smart with an iq of -5

jello • 8 April 2017 at 11:37 AM

@poptarts how do you think he got a negative five without manipulating the test? He has to be a true genius to do such...

@motivecat Yep!

poptarts • 8 April 2017 at 11:57 AM

@jellifysh But why would he want such a low score? ;-; (I think to deep into things)

jello • 8 April 2017 at 12:00 PM

@poptarts to prove he can, you know?