i need help coming out

maylin09 • 28 January 2024 at 7:30 PM

ok so i need help coming out to my family i am polysexual and pansexual and i currently like 2 people that i am going to be asking out in march any suggestions on how to tell my family?

hikanu • 28 January 2024 at 8:13 PM

Just to start off... I have absolutely zero experience with any of this, so I am probably not going to be much help.
My little brother did come out as bi to all of us years ago, and our parents were cool with it, I was too, I just want him to live a happy life. So I am not even sure what kind of drama to expect since the reaction could be anything from a shrug and an "ok, moving on" to a "we didn't raise you like this, get out of my house".

I guess the most important thing is... that you know your family, I don't know the first thing about them. So I am going to ask you one question:

How are you expecting them to react?

maylin09 • 29 January 2024 at 1:10 PM

@hikanu i feel like they might be disappointed or get mad and im really scared because all my family is straight and my dads side is Cristin so i think my biggest fear is being disowned or being kicked out because of who i love

daisycat • 29 January 2024 at 1:27 PM

@maylin09
There are many different types of Christian people. Some focus too hard on the "religion" aspect of it, in my opinion, and others focus more on the relationship they have with Jesus and such. Again, in my opinion, a true Christian will always be accepting. A lot of people who are overly Christian and make it their personality and always bring up how this is bad and the Bible says not to do this and yadda yadda are actually pretty crappy people. This is from my personal experience, time and time again, this never fails to get reinforced!!! ^^' The more quiet Christians, I've noticed, are more pure and genuine people. ❤️ I have met only a handful like this.

You say your family is all straight, but you may be surprised. Many people are still lying about who they really are, due to the same reason... fear, expectations, and so on. It may be an act, to appear "good"... when there's nothing wrong with loving who you love or being interested in who you're interested in. Be strong and confident of who you are!! If this is how you feel, and you cannot deny it, let those important to you know. Don't force it, do it when you're certain you are ready. And the right people will accept you. Either right away, or with a little time. But if someone never accepts you, just remain civil and amicable. There is a saying that could help with this: Let them. However they want to be, act, if they are disappointed, etc... let them. You cannot change anyone. You can try to change someone's point of view, or to accept you, but it's nearly impossible. Think about how difficult it is to change your own self or habits you have! So of course you can't really change others. And, try not to react too negatively if someone reacts negatively to your coming out. That will only fuel them, they want a sad, hurt, upset reaction from you. Just don't care. Show them you're proud of how you are no matter what. 😊

Also, family should love you unconditionally. THEY chose to have a child. THEY need to understand that you are a completely separate and different person from them. They had a child while, hopefully, knowing the "risk" that they potentially have no idea how their child will "turn out". If a parent cannot love you unconditionally, then... idk, that's just very sad and I hope you are surrounded by others that do. :c

Come out and in your head be like, yep, I did that, I finally did that! Ultimately, it will feel so nice to accomplish this important moment in your life. It's only going to happen once. So you can prepare for it, but also know, people will react how they will no matter what. So have them react now or in a month or in a year or five years... whenever you're ready. Because it'll be the same for them, you know?

I've never "had" to come out myself, but I have family members and friends who have!! You got this!!!

hikanu • 29 January 2024 at 1:31 PM

@maylin09 Okay. Do you know of a celebrity or something who... swing the same way you do? Or similar enough, because I don't doubt your family could be having issues understanding what it means. I know I can't wrap my head around it.
However, it could still be a way to gauge their reaction to the idea, at least. But I don't know, they may feel different for a stranger than one of their own, going both ways so it's not a fool proof strategy in the least.

My brother's current girlfriend is Christian and she doesn't care he's bi, so it's not necessarily a deal breaker. But I am aware that social acceptance where I'm from may not be the same where you're from, again, making it difficult to predict the outcome.

dragrawr • 29 January 2024 at 1:32 PM

@daisycat this was an amazing paragraph(s) of encouragement.

I agree with you fully. You were their child by choice, whatever came along with it they need to make room in their head for. I really hope all goes well for you. If you want to bring it up to them, try in person so you can accurately get your emotions and feelings across !

hikanu • 29 January 2024 at 1:38 PM

@daisycat I do agree with this. 😃

maylin09 • 29 January 2024 at 1:42 PM

@dasiycat tysm i cant be 100% sure if my dads side of the family will still be there for me or not but i do know if my family isn't excepting that both of the people i love there families have already said i could stay with them if i were to get kicked out which is a good thing that i will have somewhere to go at least.

@hikuna that's kinda what i fear because i know they are excepting of others cuz one of my friends is trans and they are ok with it but idk if they will have a different reaction since im not a stranger yk?

hikanu • 29 January 2024 at 1:54 PM

@maylin09 That is understandable. But as Daisycat wrote. I think it is important that you're confident in yourself. You will have to think about yourself first and show them that this is what is best for you. That you won't change your mind just to get their approval. The people you are important to will stay, even if they may need some time to get used to the thought. At the end of the day it's who you are and who you have always been. If they can't accept that, you may be better off without them, even if it will be a tough choice.

But as I wrote earlier, their reaction may be based on a fear of the unknown, it tends to freeze everyone in their tracks. You may need to guide them and help them understand because it is confusing, very confusing, to some people.
That being said, being trans is pretty openly spoken about these days, so it's not something new and most people know what it is about at this point.

ghostyman04 • 29 January 2024 at 1:59 PM

I don't know want i am

@maylin09
Is going to have a good life with who ever peeks there interests😊😊😊😊😍😍😍😍😍

maylin09 • 29 January 2024 at 2:02 PM

@hikanu im very thankful for you and all the others who are helping and im glad to know even if we don't know each other that much that yall are supportive and i think you guys for that im thinking about coming out near the end of February so ill let yall know how that ends up going ty all so so much once again yall are amazing

dragrawr • 29 January 2024 at 3:05 PM

@maylin09 yes please let us know 🙏 I am hoping for the best

maylin09 • 29 January 2024 at 8:26 PM

@dragrawr i will i promise but there has been a slight error in my plan cuz my boyfriend broke up with me this afternoon so it kinda changes everything

dragrawr • 29 January 2024 at 8:34 PM

@maylin09 aw I’m so sorry 3:

maylin09 • 29 January 2024 at 8:45 PM

@dragrawr its not ur fault it just really sucks but just goes to show he wasn't the right one for me

dragrawr • 29 January 2024 at 8:46 PM

@maylin09 exactly ! :]

kataclysm • 31 January 2024 at 8:41 AM

@maylin09 I was surprised to not see this answer in here already, so lemme say it for everyone: You don't need to come out for anyone. Your family are not entitled to know and if you don't want to share, you don't have to. They can make their own conclusions if/when they meet your partner(s) in your life, but the notion that you 'need' to come out and you 'need' to tell your family that you're different from them is false. If you would prefer to not come out, or to let it happen at another stage in your life, that's totally fine.

The bottom line, obviously, is that your family ought to love you enough that coming out shouldn't change anything at all. We all know that reality isn't that neat and simple, though, so if you do decide to come out, try to keep some of these pieces of advice in mind:

- Your identity belongs to you. Their love, their affection, their attention does not change your identity. Don't take yourself out of a box, and then shove yourself back in because someone else wants you to.
- Your decision to come out belongs to you. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a breakup, but if you want to come out, it doesn't matter whether you have a partner or not to 'show' that you are what you say you are.
- Your family does not need to belong to you! If your family respond in the worst way, your life does not need to contain them. This is obviously more of a concept that is applicable to adults; young people rely on their families in a more meaningful way. If you're an adult, you may be free to protect yourself from family members reacting poorly to you coming out (if you decide to do so). If you're underage, or rely on your family to house you or you're dependant on them for any reason, make sure that you're absolutely certain you want to come out. If you think, for a second, that your family having that information about your identity could be unsafe or result in a dangerous situation for you: don't tell 'em! Your safety, especially if you have no alternatives (i.e other family members or partners that can keep you safe), is paramount. If you need to remain 'in the closet' because it keeps you safe, there is no shame in that.

I have a lot of experience with coming out, families reacting poorly/greatly, and the psychological impact on young people. I have worked in Mental Health with young people and young adults and have a professional perspective on matters along these lines.

If you ever need to talk, be it about this topic or anything else at all, my door is always open for a private conversation and I can promise you a safe and confidential space.

I'll round this up by saying that I know I have focused on the 'what if it's a negative reaction!' perspective, and that's because that's what I have worked with most frequently and that's where I'm needed professionally in real life. However, there are plenty of families that love their kids the right way, so don't let me skew you into thinking that it will definitely go poorly. I just want you to be prepared, safe, and to protect your boundaries if you go forward with coming out - today, tomorrow, in a year's time - whenever!

Finally, congratulations on being comfortable enough with your identity to share it with us oddballs on EggCave! Proud of you!! 🏳‍🌈

maylin09 • 1 February 2024 at 1:14 PM

@kataclysm i firstly want to say i almost cried when you said you proud of me it really means a lot to me

also i am underage so currently i am living with them i think my biggest fear is being kicked out and having no were to go and i think that's probably the main reason i haven't told them anything my family doesn't communicate properly so there are occasional verbal fights and i guess i just don't wanna cause a fight

i think until im 18 and can get a place it might be safer to stay in the closet but even when im 18 if they disown me it would still upset me a lot but there's nothing i can truly do i guess

i also really appreciate you saying i could pm you um i probably will end up doing that just cuz i do have a few more personal problems and were as a lot of the people are nice i know there are the few judgmental people so ty again ❤️