Mind helping me edit my English essay?

ice • 24 January 2012 at 8:58 PM

This persuasive essay is graded on vocabulary, grammar, how much it makes you want to read the book, and other things.

Could anyone help me add more quotes, or improve the one I already have? It is expected to blend seamlessly with the rest of my essay, so you are unable to tell where the sentence ends and the quote begins. Also, could anyone help me with my sentence length? 😱 I'm not sure if it's good enough.

Charles Dickens is a famous author who wrote many great works of literature, such as Great Expectations, Oliver Twist, and Nicholas Nickleby. One of his most famous novels of all time is called A Tale of Two Cities. This historical fiction book was written in 1859. It tells the tale of a young woman, Lucie Manette (Darnay), her father Alexandre Manette, her husband Charles Darnay (St. Evremonde), their children, and many other characters, including Sydney Carton, Mr. Lorry, and the Defarges. In the book, Charles Darnay is captured during the revolution in Paris and is ordered to be executed because of his ancestral ties with a rich family that had been cruel to the bloodthirsty citizens of France. The rest of the family is also placed in peril when an influential revolution leader, Madame Defarge, resolves to exterminate them. The overall message of this book is that love and bravery will always overcome hate and evil. This book would be ideal for anyone because of its descriptive language and plot.
(please bump to continue)

eclipse • 24 January 2012 at 8:58 PM

^^

ice • 24 January 2012 at 8:59 PM

This book is full of highly detailed descriptions and advanced vocabulary. In fact, the first paragraph of the book is composed of a single, very long, descriptive sentence stuffed with concealed meanings, metaphors, and words not often found in the first sentence of most other novels. Almost every sentence in the entire book is like this. While the angry French peasants prepare to attack, ?as a whirlpool of boiling waters has a centre point, so all this raging circled round Defarge?s wine-shop, and every human drop in the caldron had a tendency to be sucked towards the vortex where Defarge himself, already begrimed with gunpowder and sweat, issued orders, issued arms, thrust this man back, dragged this man forward, disarmed one to arm another, labored and stroved in the thickest of the uproar.? (Page 206) The author uses sentences like these to help build the plot.
The plot of this book is truly captivating. There are many enthralling moments, cliffhangers, and action-filled scenes in the story. For example, when Miss Pross and Madame Defarge struggle against each other after Lucie and the family abscond from France, the reader cannot help but speculate about who will win the face-off: Miss Pross, who has the strength of love, or Madame Defarge, who is determined to have vengeance on Lucie, Darnay, and their whole family? This novel has a tremendously engaging plot.


(cont. on next post)

monkeymoo993 • 24 January 2012 at 9:00 PM

Maybe instead of "descriptive vocabulary" you should write "descriptive language" so that it sounds interesting to read, instead of "complicated and you will need a dictionary next to you when reading it". 😃

ice • 24 January 2012 at 9:00 PM

Some may protest that the characters in this novel are not very well developed. However, I believe that Charles Dickens did this intentionally in order to make the story flow better and to enhance the other, more significant areas in the book. This story, in spite of its lack of character development, is a great work of literature that is sure to satisfy all bibliophiles.
This book is commended by readers all over the globe because of its exciting plot and high-level vocabulary. This book is a shining example of a classical novel, and a must-read for anyone interested in historical fiction or fiction of any kind. The next time you visit the local library, be sure to check out A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens!

monkeymoo993 • 24 January 2012 at 9:04 PM

in the first line, "highly detailed description" --> "highly detailed descriptions"

take out the second "very" in line 2 (a tad awkward/repetitive sounding)

probably a computer error, but towards the middle of the second paragraph, the "can?t" should be cannot (no contractions, at least for my strict teachers) 😊

"must read" (in third to last line) has a dash: "must-read"

goku • 24 January 2012 at 9:04 PM

Niiiiiiiiice WORK! 😊

skylark • 24 January 2012 at 9:05 PM

It's very good! You need to put 5 spaces in the front of the first sentence... but other then that, excellent!
@ice

ice • 24 January 2012 at 9:06 PM

Thank you so much! ^^

@monkeymoo993

ice • 24 January 2012 at 9:08 PM

@kitsune Haha, yes 😉

monkeymoo993 • 24 January 2012 at 9:09 PM

haha i ❤️ proofing english stuff. even though i'm a science/math geek. o_o

ice • 24 January 2012 at 9:11 PM

@monkeymoo993

I'm grateful for that! 😊

Random Pinging:

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eclipse • 24 January 2012 at 9:17 PM

@cqpkytty
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ice • 24 January 2012 at 9:19 PM

@crayon
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pebblestar-nightclan • 24 January 2012 at 9:19 PM

@eclipse I was summoned? ^^

@ice

It sounds nice! 😊

ice • 24 January 2012 at 9:19 PM

@pebblestar-nightclan

Thanks 😊

I hope it's good enough 😱

Should I consult the thesaurus?

pebblestar-nightclan • 24 January 2012 at 9:20 PM

@ice

That might be a good idea. 😊 Alter the words a bit 😉

ice • 24 January 2012 at 9:38 PM

Could anyone help?

duchess • 24 January 2012 at 9:45 PM

@ice, Very nice, but is it meant to be a formal essay? If it is, you may wish to avoid using phrases such as 'in fact' at the start of a sentence (it makes it sound a little informal), but that's just a minor thing. Really good work 😃

ice • 24 January 2012 at 11:13 PM

@duchess

I doubt it matters much 😱

Could anyone suggest where it would be good to put in a quote from the novel?

Deleted • 24 January 2012 at 11:22 PM

I don't know your age/grade level but it is a solid piece of writing. One thing that I noticed is that your sentence structure does not vary, and when you read it (especially out loud), it comes off a bit choppy. By creating a few complex sentences you can greatly increase the flow and readability of your writing.

As for a quote, I would say the best place to insert one would be when you're describing the great vocabulary Dickens utilizes. However, this greatly depends on which quote you plan on using and what effect you'd like it to play on the reader.

Also, as a note, in formal essays you never want to use the pronouns 'you' or 'your.' Just a heads up as I don't know the requirements for this piece. It's definitely something you'll want to remember as you enter university, however. 😊

Overall, good work. 😉

ice • 24 January 2012 at 11:29 PM

@uft Thanks for the help! 😃

Editing it now!

crescentfeather • 24 January 2012 at 11:45 PM

~😊~

ice • 24 January 2012 at 11:48 PM

Could anyone help me add more quotes, or improve the one I already have? It is expected to blend seamlessly with the rest of my essay, so you are unable to tell where the sentence ends and the quote begins. Also, could anyone help me with my sentence length? 😱 I'm not sure if it's good enough.

crescentfeather • 25 January 2012 at 12:06 AM

*pings random people*

@shelby
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@terron
@pipkitten
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@silver_winged
@lennyangel

redfire77 • 25 January 2012 at 12:37 AM

@ice try using less passive verbs like 'has' or 'is' but more active verbs. It makes your writing more interesting. Also, people use parentheses when they have breaks in thought, and since that doesn't happen in your essay (good!) (hah, see what I did there 😉 ) don't use parentheses. Offset the names of the people with commas instead 😸 Also, when you use the 'however', say instead: I, however, believe that Charles Dickens did this intentionally in order to make the story flow better and to enhance the other, more significant areas in the book.

sakura2596 • 25 January 2012 at 12:44 AM

@ice OMG thats EXACTLY what we are doing! well,but its a letter 😋 but STILL! 😱