Abandoned...

meta_knight_lover • 29 August 2012 at 9:31 AM

For those who don't know, I'm currently studying abroad in Thailand until February. Basically what that means is I live here, stay with a Thai host family, go to Thai school, etc. While I've been here, I became really good friends with a German girl who is also studying abroad with me at the same host school.

She's a really nice person. And sure, we have our differences, but we both have supported each other through all the difficult times so far during our time abroad.

But then...another girl came along. Okay, she's American like me and also came to Thailand for an exchange at the same time as me. However, she goes to a different school. This week though, she decided to take a week long trip to our school. We call this "week exchange".

I like my fellow American. But lately I've been feeling like the third wheel. My German friend and I might get along really well, but we still have different interests and personalities. My American friend though is exactly like her. I'm like the idiot who can't relate to anyone, which sucks because Thai culture makes me feel alone already. Now my German friend just posted on Facebook that my American friend is her "soul mate" and "best friend"... I've been with her through all her ups and downs no matter what. I'm sad I was just cast away like that.

Anybody have any advice, or am I just being unreasonable? ;A;

spirithawk • 29 August 2012 at 10:15 AM

@meta_knight_lover I'm really sorry, I can't help. ;-; But I know some people who can:

@luv
@karamel

karamel • 29 August 2012 at 10:29 AM

@meta_knight_lover Hey, I know how you feel 😊 You're not the only one.

Perhaps you haven't been interacting with the German girl much? Don't suddenly try to gain her attention (by unexpectedly coming to her place every day and giving her LOADS of gifts within a short amount of time), do it naturally and gradually.

You're not an idiot, and you can relate to everyone: you're human. However, you're not MEANT to relate to everyone. There's no such person that is completely normal and average - we're all unique. You're not some dumb person. You're a different, yet nice person.

Try to act normal with them. TRUE friends (I'm not saying your current ones aren't true friends, as I don't know them fully) will like you for WHO YOU ARE. You're an amazing individual, with your own different style and a kind personality. Sure, people have flaws, but if you were perfect, then you'd be boring.

Interact with them more. Maybe you've been acting a LITTLE hostile towards the 'fellow American' without noticing, because you're jealous. (Emphasis on the maybe.) If you can, and you feel comfortable, try to talk it through with your German friend. Don't act harshly, just mention it casually.

(I can give more advice but I'm running out of space xD)

luv • 29 August 2012 at 11:34 AM

@Meta_Knight_lover
Stand by for advice.
@Karamel
I got you covered partner, use my post as a breaker, and I'll use your next one as mine.

You've got to talk to your German friend. When anyone gets a new friend, it's exciting, entertaining, "I like this, what do you like?" Tell your friend your feeling third wheel, and plan an activity you both LOVE between the two of you. While you're there, talk about the reasons you love it, and they can talk about theirs. That combines differences with similarities.

Here's the meanish part; People don't want a perfect match. Nobody is one. No two people like ALL the same things, and this American is probably pretending to like things so the German will like her. After a while, it gets old and annoying, because everyone should be their own person, NOT A COPY-CAT. Talk to the American too, and see if you two can plan something. Maybe you can talk to her and find out what she REALLY likes, because honestly, there HAS to be at least one thing on the list your German friend doesn't like. Once you find that, you can kind of keep prying until you find more.

I'll post more after! 😊

karamel • 29 August 2012 at 11:47 AM

@luv Thanks 😊

@meta_knight_lover Have you been distracted with school? Or anything else? Maybe the fact that you've been away from them for a while (or haven't been with them recently) has made them get used to the fact that you're not there anymore. For the same reason as I stated with your 'hostility' towards your 'fellow American', you may not actually realize the fact that you haven't been with them.

How severe is the 'abandonment'? Are they ignoring you completely? Or are they just not interacting with you AS MUCH as normal? As I said before, try to be casual and interact more. If you're acting different, they may get confused as to which version of you they'll get each day. If you're acting fake, they want the real you: they like you for who you are.

Don't try to change for other people. If they don't like you, that's you're problem. They're missing out on being friends with an amazing person. There's only one of everyone in this world. Everyone is different, everyone is special, and everyone is good at something. Real, nice and kind people will like you for who you are, and you should make friends with them.

Pushing them away from you because they're 'abandoning' you won't help either. Obviously you wouldn't do it, but maybe you're doing it without noticing.

luv • 29 August 2012 at 11:56 AM

@karamel
@Meta_knight_lover
Cont.

^^^ Why do you want to pry on their differences and similarities? Because, if you know the differences between the German friend and you, and the American girl and the German, you can schedule something for the three of you that you all like, that has an element you all DISLIKE at the same time. So, like & dislike for all of you. Everyone feels like their own person, and you can maybe get over some differences or fears! Maybe you could go to an amusement park and you love Water Parks (German girl hates them, American thinks they're okay) you ALL have to go on. Everyone would HAVE to choose 1 thing they hated and one they liked. They couldn't be the same as anyone else, and you had to do both. It would be a good bonding experience.

Don't push them away, either. New friend = exciting time, but just make sure you remind them kind of subtly that old friends shouldn't be forgotten either. If the best friend/soul mate thing is really bugging you, take your German friend out for a day and do all the things she likes. Even if you hate them. Don't change who you are, but at the end tell her all the ones you didn't like and say something along the lines of "But I'd spend a whole day doing [insert hated activity] with you, my best friend any day." That's probably one of the only things you can do. If it still doesn't work? They're not worth it.

karamel • 29 August 2012 at 12:09 PM

@luv

@meta_knight_lover
Everyone has differences. Everyone likes and dislikes different things. Everyone has a different view of the world, talks differently, acts differently, even dresses differently. That's what makes us all UNIQUE. Likewise, don't TRY to be different - you already are, and you're special. Don't change yourself for the WORLD.

Don't force them to do things they don't want to. If you offer them to try something, that's okay, but if they refuse, you can try to persuade them. If that doesn't work, then DON'T push them. They won't like you as much and then they will start to lean more towards their other friend (American with the German, or vice versa).

If they don't want ANYTHING to do with you, then tell them you tried your best to be friends with them (it's best for them to know what you were trying to do anyway), but it failed. They might then be friends with you again (hopefully not out of pity :/), but hopefully not - they didn't want to be friends with you in the first place, unfortunately.

Don't just be friends with them - it's nice to have more friends you can rely on 😊

luv • 29 August 2012 at 12:15 PM

@Karamel
@meta_knight_lover
Enjoy your individuality. Let the know you have standards and qualities you expect them to respect. They don't HAVE to be your friends. They don't HAVE to do anything you tell them to, but they should want to. Good friendship is being yourself and accepting people for who they are. They shouldn't be mean to you but if they are... well it's not your fault if you move on. As sad as it as, as soon as you move on, normally people want you back.

We're all human, we all have faults. Your friends should learn that your a person worth respecting and talking to, so, honestly, don't let this ruin your life. We all suffer from jealousy, heart-ache, sadness, but we all have moments when we're deliriously happy, joyful and sweet. Don't worry what they think of. Set your own trends and standards, and even if it's not them, trust Kara & I; someone will follow them, and end up meeting you. That's how friendship is born, after all.

karamel • 29 August 2012 at 12:20 PM

@luv @meta_knight_lover I think that's enough advice 😋

If luv has any more advice, you can say so and I'll just be a breaker 😉

luv • 29 August 2012 at 12:23 PM

@Meta_knight_lover
@Karamel
No, I think we're done with our mega-spam.

karamel • 29 August 2012 at 12:24 PM

@luv @meta_knight_lover THEN I SHALL LEAVE THIS TOPIC WITH A FLOURISH 8D

Sorry for the million pings 😋

luv • 29 August 2012 at 12:25 PM

@Karamel
@Meta_knight_lover
*flourishes*
Sorry that Kara and I have probably flooded your pings. In hind-sight, one or two might have been enough. O_O

meta_knight_lover • 30 August 2012 at 9:33 AM

@luv
@Karamel

Holy crap. XD Thanks a lot guys! So after paging through all this advice, I think I should make myself a bit more clear. I'm not jealous by any means. I love the American girl as much as my German friend. But I haven't made any really good local friends here, which sort of scares me. I have been relying on my German friend to prevent me from feeling totally alone. However, she happens to leave three months before I do. So I was hoping to spend as much time with her as possible before she goes...until the American got here.

It's not that we don't like doing the same things, it's just I can't have a conversation without feeling like I'm being ganged up on. They like having boyfriends and getting random peircings, which I kind of look down upon (though I never say). I don't mind what they do, it's their lives. It just that my German friend talks more about this stuff when around the American. It makes me feel like she was lying when she told me she thought of me as an awesome friend who she could tell anything to. Yet she never explained the things she told the American girl.

Ay, my thoughts are so unclear. I'm not quite sure what I want to happen. I guess I just don't want to be alone in Thailand. ;A;

karamel • 30 August 2012 at 12:24 PM

@meta_knight_lover Hmm. Well, you should make some new friends anyway - regardless of if you stay friends with the German and American friends or not. Since the German friend is leaving 3 months before you anyway, you can try to spend more time with her - maybe arrange for a day out with just you two doing stuff you both enjoy, so she can remember that experience - as well as making another friend.

Rest assured that at least you're not being bullied 😊 Maybe you can talk to your German friend (alone, without the American friend) and tell her how you feel and that you feel slightly uncomfortable about the fact that the American friend is taking up all her time and leaving no time for you. Try not to come off as jealous - jealous friends aren't good to have - but, rather, one of the friends she used to trust wholly.

@luv

meta_knight_lover • 30 August 2012 at 9:50 PM

@karamel

Yeah, I'm open to getting new friends. BUT the school I go to is having exchange students for the first time so the students here don't really know how to act around us. I can try to be cultural and go find friends myself, but it's really hard because I don't know if the people here want to be my friend or just want to know a foreigner. Here foreigners are much less common than in the U.S. so we're kind of like celebrities.

This kind of seperation makes me much more hesitant to make my own Thai friends. So that's why I'm feeling moody. NORMALLY I wouldn't mind having an extra person around, but because of this situation, it makes it horrible for me.

karamel • 31 August 2012 at 7:17 AM

@meta_knight_lover Well, you'll never know if you never try. If you make friends with them and get the vibe that they only want to know you, then be nice to them but you don't have to stick with them being your BFFLs. You'll also give them the benefit of getting more experience around foreigners (and vice versa so you don't feel uncomfortable) 😉

Have you tried talking it out with your German friend? You should really know how she feels (NOT IN A LOVEY WAY xD) so you know what to do - if she still wants to be your best friend, stay with her but maybe be aware that you may want to have a 'back-up' friend.

I don't really like the fact that I just used 'back-up' but that was the only way I could explain it. Treat your 'back-up' friend as a normal friend (not someone you just want to support you), and that way you can also go to her if no other friends want to be with you at that moment.
(I don't mean 'back-up' as in ONLY go to her if no one wants to be with you ><" )

meta_knight_lover • 31 August 2012 at 10:14 AM

@karamel

I see your point there. I think if I made more friends here, I'd be a lot happier. At the moment though, my host sister is starting to grow on me. She's really nice and doesn't seem to care that I'm foreign. She just wants me as a her sister. XD

I think when my German friend goes, I'll be more open to the Thais here. So in a way, I guess it's good we're growing a bit apart. I think I'm over being upset about it anyway. I guess I was just a little scared because of a bunch of other things. You'll know what I mean if you're ever an exchange student. It's fun, but it's also A LOT of hard work. XD

And don't worry. I know what you mean by back up friend. XD

karamel • 31 August 2012 at 12:34 PM

@meta_knight_lover See, there you go: you're starting to answer your own question(s?) 😋

Haha, I'm thinking of going to uni abroad, so thanks for the heads up 😉 Now you're starting to understand yourself so I hope that *most* of the things are (almost) sorted out now xP

luv • 31 August 2012 at 6:41 PM

@meta_knight_lover
I was left behind a bit I see. O_o

See if there's any people who feel the way you do at your school, and make sure you can understand each other somehow. 😊 Try to befriend them learn about them, etc, and then introduce them to your German and American friend. It's harder to gang up on two people than one, and just ask her (or even your German or American friend) if maybe they can try to see your opinion one time instead of trying to force theirs on you. If you are able to make this alleged new friend, introduce her/him to your other friends, but remember: THEY MIGHT NOT GET ALONG. Not all people do, and that obviously doesn't mean ditch your new friend. Trust me from experience, it's WAAAY better being in a group of 4 then a group of 5 or 3 or some uneven number. It's way better that way, because if there's partners you'll always have someone, instead of getting left out on all the two people activities.
I hope @Karamel and I have been of assistance! *bows*

meta_knight_lover • 1 September 2012 at 1:36 PM

@luv
@karamel

Hey, guess what? I talked to both of them about it and they were totally cool. They said even if it seems like they're close, they still like having me around. Just because they might like to do something together doesn't mean that they forget about me. I feel much better now. Thanks a bunch you two~

karamel • 1 September 2012 at 2:37 PM

@meta_knight_lover That's amazing 😸 Good job on plucking up the courage to talk to them, I find that really hard to do... You're welcome, and I'm so glad that everything turned out well ❤️

meta_knight_lover • 2 September 2012 at 1:49 AM

@karamel

Well they kind of noticed I was a little down. So they asked what was up and I told them. XD So I didn't REALLY go to them. But I was able to tell them. I really like the American girl now and I'm so glad I get to spend 20+ hours on a plane with her when I come back home. XD

karamel • 2 September 2012 at 6:52 AM

@meta_knight_lover Lol, well, it's better than not saying anything 😉 It's not good to bottle up your feelings all the time ❤️ Haha, have fun and I hope your friendship lasts for as long as possible *hugs*

meta_knight_lover • 2 September 2012 at 9:31 AM

@karamel

Thanks for the luck! I'm looking forward to the rest of the year.

Yay hugs! I miss them. LOL Thais don't hug each other as often as us Europeans and Americans do. o.o