Eggcave Noir- A Fanwork

taffy789 • 14 March 2016 at 5:10 PM

I'm posting this in the fan art section because my writing is an art, no matter what the haters have told me.

Anyway.

I used to post my Eggcave-based writings eggcave fanfiction cough cough in general discussion but I find the fan art section to be more appropriate now.

I wrote this particular piece about, oh, two years ago, during the Summer of 2014.

This novelette is lengthy(ish) and revolves around the personal backstories I made for my Eggcave creatures long, long ago when I was much more active on this site than I am now. Since I stopped writing stories concerning my creatures, the personalities may seem a bit strange to those who aren't familiar with my ancient creature backstories, but hopefully the characters can speak for themselves.

The basic idea of the story is a faux-noir comedy based around my silly creatures, the narrator being this sly Flaren right here.
The rest of the creatures mentioned in this story will be linked via ecodes, so- yeah.
The rest of the story can speak for itself, I hope.

If you have comments, questions, suggestions, or are just interested in chatting about writing feel free to comment below.

awesomeness • 14 March 2016 at 5:16 PM

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It was just another ordinary day.

Except it wasn't.

You were sitting in your swirly chair when the dame came sweeping into your office. She was just like any other pretty young creature you've had the pleasure to introduce yourself to- kind, sweet, nice to be around- except you got the short end of the stick and as it turns out, this dame wasn't any of those things because she wasn't a "pretty" young creature- on the inside at least. You knew the Eyleymo well enough to see her true bossy, loud mouthed nature. This dame's name? Desires . One might assume, with her being called something like that, that she would act as inviting as her name sounded. She did, but in the end, it was only that- acting. Then again, who didn't put on a nice show in this wild, wild play we call life.
Desires gives you a strange look as she opens her mouth to speak.

'I just heard you're lovely description of me,' the dame says. She's sarcastic, and you like that in a girl- if only it was any other girl but her.

'Stop making fun of me before I seriously hurt you,' the dame growls, 'I can hear you! You keep narrating everything out loud. And stop calling me a dame!'

You raise a handsome eyebrow at her, pursing your lips and silently contemplating her request, all the while still not obliging to it, so you guess you aren't actually being all that silent nor pursing your lips, as they are still moving currently.

'If looks can kill,' you loudly ponder, continuing the narration, 'the murderous glare Desires is giving you must be illegal.'

'The glare isn't lethal, but the stab wounds I'm planning on inflicting are, Darrin.' the cranky creature warns, making you shut your trap fast and internalize your words from now on.

'You sure do threaten a lot for someone who's looking for answers.' you remark, making the Eyleymo frown.

'How did you know I wanted to ask you a question?' she asks.

'Little happens in this house that I don't hear about,' you remind her, 'the walls are my ears and eyes and the floorboards whisper their secrets to me every night.'

The dame stares blankly at you. 'That was needlessly poetic,' she says, putting her paws in her hips in a challenging fashion, 'In any case, Big Brother, I bet you've watched enough of what is going on around here to already know what I came to you for?'

More sarcasm. Desires is really hitting hard with the stuff. You decide to be the better person here and just leave the snarky and rude comments in your head like what a polite person does.

'Yes, I know exactly what you need help with.' you say, and rise dramatically from your chair and then walk towards a window behind you that has blinds half closed. You spread apart two separate blinds with your paws and peer out of the window, feeling disappointed to see it being sunny outside and not raining and the middle of the night- which you think would really suit the mood better. Oh well, you'll take what you get.
You continue to stare as dramatically as possible out the window before continuing with your monologue.

'A beloved and priceless item from a member of our quaint household has gone missing. The owner of the lost possession thinks it's stolen, being the complete drama queen she is, and is throwing a huge hissy fit. Of course you would come to me for help, as I know that you know that I know all the happenings of this fine abode. Its walls are my ears and eyes, and the floorboards whisper their-'

'Alright, alright,' the dame rudely interrupts you, 'stop with all the melodrama already!'

You turn to the girl, a frown on your face as you try to explain how this is all one-hundred percent necessary.

'It seems you haven't realized this already, Desires,' you say to your fellow member of the house, 'but we have a missing item to find. Who are the people who find missing items? That's right- detectives. Self-narration and the drama are the cornerstones of the deductive process. If you're going to ask me to locate a missing possession, then noir is what I have to do, and noir is what I WILL do!'

You slam a dramatic fist on the dramatic table dramatically to emphasize the drama of your situation, but immediately regret it, since your paw is now throbbing, so you switch to dramatically sucking on the hurt appendage instead.

Desires looks at you, most likely thinking you an idiot.

'You're an idiot.' she tells you, proving just how good of a detective you are. 'However,' she continues, 'aren't those cheesy noir stories usually told in first person? You were narrating in second person when I came in.'

'First person is too mainstream,' you inform her, ‘I consider myself a rouge investigator, like one of those loose cannon cops who don't play by the rules, but more... Sherlock Holmes-y. Also second person reminds me of those "Choose Your Own Adventure" books and those are da bomb.'
You smile your forever charming smile, prompting the dame to roll her eyes.

'Anyway, I didn't actually come to get your help with this situation, Darrin. I came to see if you had anything to with it...'

You jump back, her accusation stinging you. 'Me?' You cry, 'Just because I once ran a black market and occasionally took the silverware from the tables and money from our owner's piggybank, you assume /I/ had a paw to play in this? I recently evolved, Desires! I'm a changed Flaren- literally! The foolish mistakes of my youth are far behind me, I swear it!'

Desires blinks her eyes. 'You were the one stealing all the forks?' She asks.

'Uh- no comment.' you're quick to reply.

She rolls her eyes once more and turns to leave the room.

'Well, anyway, that's all I wanted.' she sighs, and opens the door, 'I'm going to go see if I can calm Lovely down now...'

'Hey!' You call, and race up to her, 'I'll do you one better, and console her by finding her missing item! I swear on my degree in deduct-olgy.'

The dame begrudgingly lets you follow her to the scene of the crime, muttering something about you always making the lousiest empty promises.


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The scene of the crime is grim, dark, and dirty. Well, not really grim. However, the dining room is dark because one of the lightbulbs is out, and the maid hasn't gotten around to replacing it yet. The rest of the room is dirty partially because of the same reason- a neglectful maid- but mostly because it is currently being trashed by a rampaging Baistay raving about and frantically searching for some beloved lost possession.

You watch her as she attacks a cabinet like she's some kind of wild beast preying on a smaller, limping target, and you shrink back in terror as the dame rips apart the drawers, dumping the contents out while screeching 'Where is it? Where is it?' to the heavens as if possessed by some sort of demonic spirit. The entire scene is enough to make shutters run down your spine, and they do.

'Woah there! Calm down Loveliness !' the much mentally sane- yet still very rude and sarcastic- dame next to you calls to the Baistay, as if trying to calm down a bucking horse.

The Baistay obliges, and turns to you both, a wild look reflecting in her eyes.

'Desires? Have you found it yet? Have you? Have you!?' the demented young lady grabs your acquaintance's fur, and then pulls the Eyleymo close to her face while repeating the question over and over, louder each time.

'Hey, calm down,' you say, helping out the Eyleymo by pushing the green creature out of her face and off of her chest. 'You can rest your crazy, pretty little head knowing my partner here and I are on the case. We just have a few questions to ask you.'

Loveliness, who you think would suit her name better if she isn't both obsessed with herself and actually acted lovely, gives you a strange look, and turns to the blue bunny beside you.

'Why is Darrin talking like that?' she asks, giving you a side glance that tells you she's asking herself if YOU'RE the crazy one.

'He's pretending he's a detective in a noir film- you should've seen him earlier. He was actually narrating, and kept adding things to the end of my sentences as I said them out loud, like, "Desires says",' Desires says, smiling in amusement.

You find her behavior completely unbecoming of a partner of a serious private investigator. If she's to keep this up, you just may need to fire her. Then again, knowing the dramatic detective shows, the partner doesn't go too long without dying dramatically in a shootout. Hopefully, you just have to hold out until at least the second act, then you can give an Oscar-winning performance at her death scene, and get a cool "my partner died, so now I work alone" backstory to boot.

taffy789 • 14 March 2016 at 5:29 PM

'Miss, we really need to ask you a few questions about the missing item in question,' you say to the distressed dame, and her eyes immediately widen, as if suddenly remembering her crazy.

'The missing item...' she repeats, as if in a trance. Suddenly, she flips out, and starts to scream while running around tearing through the room once more.

'Yes! Yes! My missing ring! I lost my ring! I put in on the table and left to use the restroom, and when I got back it was GONE~!' The dame screams, throwing her head back and letting out a lamenting wail.
'It was stolen, I swear it! And now it's gone FOREVER~!'

She begins to sniffle and sob, wailing and throwing herself on the floor and making a general ruckus of herself. You pause a moment to reflect on this situation, holding back every urge to get a camera and start filming for the internet. P.I.s don't react that way when other's mental states go south, however. They slap people and tell them to get a hold of themselves.
You aren't that big on domestic violence though, so you meet in the middle and take pictures with the crime-camera you brought along while helpfully shouting to the dame rolling on the floor to get a hold of herself. Your blue partner finally pulls the robbery victim off the ground, and you think to yourself how perfectly you handled that situation while scanning through all the beautiful pictures you took.
Desires clears her throat, and you reluctantly put the camera away and remember your professionalism.

'Miss Loveliness,’ you say in your most serious tone, 'can you- calmly- explain what has happened here today?'

'Okay, okay,' the dame replies, still sniffling but now off the floor, 'I had recently acquired a diamond ring from our owner after months upon months of begging. I was eating lunch in the dining hall and admiring my new possession when I looked into my reflection on my plate and realized my mascara was a bit smeared. I can't be not looking as fabulous as possible, so I rushed to the bathroom! I left the ring at the table, and when I came back, it was gone! It was real diamond- I'm sure someone has stolen it!'

'Wait, wait, wait. Hold on a moment,' your partner starts to say, sounding a bit exasperated, 'you left a priceless and expensive diamond ring alone while you rushed to the bathroom?!?'

The Baistay shoots the Eyleymo a "you're dumb" look before saying, 'You obviously don't understand how serious a make-up emergency is, Desires. I didn't have time to grab anything but my make-up bag!'

'So you say,' you say, the pieces of the puzzle clicking together, 'I see what actually went on here! YOU stole the ring yourself!' You accuse, jabbing a paw at Loveliness, who grows red with anger at your words.
'It all makes sense now,' you continue, shaking your head. 'You took out a huge insurance policy on your ring, and then faked the crime yourself, thus gaining a large sum of money from the insurance company! It's the oldest trick in the book, and one I've pulled many times myself... Before I went straight, that is.'
You smile smugly, and pull out the handy handcuffs you brought along.
'It was the perfect crime...but you made the fatal mistake of letting me, Darrin, the ace detective on the case. I'm not sorry, Loveliness, but it seems I have to book you.'

The Baistay is now completely fuming, and is glaring at you as if she's planning your murder- which would be yet another misdemeanor on her permanent record, you think.

'Darrin,' she growls, grinding her teeth together, 'I had no insurance what so ever on that ring. AND I WOULDN'T STEAL MY OWN JEWELRY IN THE FIRST PLACE!' Lovely explodes, yelling in your face so loudly that you fear you may have gone deaf.

You now feel as if your first accusation may have been wrong and uncalled for, so you put away the handcuffs and meekly excuse yourself to go check out the crime scene, fearing for your life.


__________________________ ~~~____________________________



With your first suspect of the case proven innocent, you decide to actually take a look at the scene of the crime before making any more assumptions. You stroll over to the place at the dining table where Lovely had been sitting, and take a look at the mess. The chairs are all strewn across the floor, as if they are actual murder victims, with the silverware and table decorations scattered about in the same fashion. Loveliness really got worked up in one of her famous rages, you realize, then catch yourself in the act of trying to pocket some of the silverware off of the floor. No, you can't do that, you think to yourself, you're going straight now. That kind of stuff isn't up your alley anymore.

You remember what you came here for, and you start searching the area for clues to this crime. Dragging a paw across the table, you notice a heavy layer of dust has collected on the wooden surface. Funny enough, the smaller cabinets in the room look less dusty and rather clean. This could only mean one thing- that maid is really doing a cruddy job. She remembered to clean the cabinets but neglected to clean the biggest piece of furniture in the room? And your owner is paying her a thousand EC per day-bah humbug!
You are staring at a small puddle of red goo when your Eyleymo friend walks up behind you.

'Blood?' she asks in a mocking tone, a smug smirk on her face.

You dip a paw into the strange substance, lift it up to your mouth and lick it, causing Desires to grimace.
'No, ketchup.' you say, and pick yourself from the floor. 'This can only mean one thing...'

'That what, a tomato got stabbed to death? Please, the only thing it can possibly mean is that somebody had ketchup for lunch.' The bunny rolls her eyes, and you are once again left not wanting to wait for the second act before getting rid of your partner.

'No, nobody has ketchup for lunch,' you snap, 'clearly, they had chicken fingers. This is why you leave this kind of investigating to the real detectives.'

'You aren't even a real detective!' she bites back, 'I've had enough of this. I'm going.' She turns to leave and you let out a sigh, and call for her to stop. You know you can't let your partner leave so easily; you need her. You never know when things might get too hot to handle and you'll need a handy bullet shield to duck behind, of course.

'Look, I think I we should start interviewing people,' you say, 'and I have a feeling on who we should start with...' You attempt to trail off dramatically, but Desires' constant need to interrupt throws off the mood.

'Oh, let me guess,' she sneers, 'you're going to interview the butler, or our maid or something, because in these cheesy detective tales, they ALWAYS are the ones who commit the crime.' The dame finishes her rant with her nose thrown up in the air, and you politely resist the urge to reach over and tug on it.

Instead, you keep your head, and pull out your detective pipe and stick it in the corner of your mouth, and attempt to revive the mood.
'Like I said before, I'm a rouge detective. That old assumption is too mainstream.' You again take a pause, ready to deliver your lines with maximum effectiveness.

'I think a DIFFERENT kind of help had something to do with this crime.'

You give a knowing, smug grin towards the ground, and blow on your pipe, sending a multitude of bubbles floating towards the roof of the dining hall.

awesomeness • 14 March 2016 at 5:34 PM

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You enter the dimly lit room, which isn't actually dimly lit, and is really so bright you have to squint your eyes against the blaring overhead lights, but you would rather pretend everything around you is dark, gritty, and monochrome, so you do.
You scan the area, taking in the assortment of knives, cleavers- all sorts of dangerous and deadly objects hanging from the walls. You're all too used to these kinds of things however, and do not flinch away from the sharp utensils. Of course, a rough and tough P.I. like yourself must be hardened against anything the world throws at you...
Eyes still drifting the counters of the room, you freeze up when you see a deadly, dastardly item glaring up at you from the table top. You let out a cry, and jump backwards, fearing for your life. This item is different from all the other weapons, it's something be scared of! The fiends that spend all their time in this room must certainly be cold-hearted villains, to be handling such an evil thing as that-!

'... Why is Darrin cowering under my counter?' a green creature suddenly asks, bouncing up and shooting you a quizzical look.

'Oh, he saw the bunch of celery and flipped out.' Desires answers with a sigh. 'He's pretending to be a detective today- it's a long story Floppers. Anyway, we need to talk to Chef.'

Floppers the Baistay, who you know to be a sane character- which is a remarkably rare type to see in this household- frowns, and chews his lip.

'Darrin, you know how annoyed Chef gets around dinner time,' Floppers starts to say, but you interrupt him, not wanting to hear any of his excuses.

'I don't want to hear any of your excuses!' you exclaim, ignoring your own redundancy, 'Chef is a suspect of a crime! Him not wanting to talk can used be proof of his own guilt! I need him out for questioning right away!'

You attempt to glare down the green kitchen aid, but he is unaffected by your intimidation. He continues to try to get you to leave the cooking area, but you refuse. After a while of playing this game, you decide to pull the heavy guns and play bad cop. You threaten to book him and take him downtown for the possession of a deadly vegetable, as you're one-thousand-three-hundred-and-thirty-seven percent sure that carrying celery is a crime on all parts of Ark. Or, at least, it SHOULD be.
Your partner gives a sigh, commenting to the Baistay that you aren't about to leave until you get what you want. The cook finally gives in, and goes to retrieve Chef, grumbling under his breath about how his boss would kill him later for bothering him. You sincerely hope to yourself that he doesn't get brutally murdered, as you don't need another case to solve while this one is still ongoing.

Prime suspect number one shows up after a while, as grumpy and rage filled as ever. Chef , while one of the more lucid people in the house, is still somebody you think one can describe as a rather... "colorful" character. If one's definition of "colorful" is foul-tempered, over worked, stressed out, perpetually grumpy, and forever screaming, that is. If so, then "colorful" is a perfect way to describe the angry creature. The Mekii, fully evolved and of a large stature even for his species, towers a full head and a half over you and Desires as he huffs and puffs over to you both, blowing large stacks of steam and snot from his nostrils.
Despite the intimidating, large, rippling muscles of Chef, you suck in a deep breath of air and began the questioning.

'Sir,' you say in the upmost professional tone, 'where were you on the night of-'

'Oh, stuff it, Darrin!' the Mekii cuts you off, and starts to rant, his voice growing louder with every word. 'What is all this about me being the suspect for a crime?! I'm the process of trying to cook dinner for all of the hundred or so creatures in this house, and at the same time,' his volume reaches max height now, and you shrink back as he screams, 'I'M TRYING TO RUN A PASTRY DELIVERY BUSINESS! ARE YOU AWARE HOW MANY ORDERS OF CAKES AND PIES I GET IN ONE DAY?!?!!!?! A LOT, THAT'S HOW MANY!!!'

Chef finishes his tyrant, huffing for oxygen and completely red in the face. You see that he got the yelling out of his system, and congratulate yourself for taking the verbal onslaught with all the poise and stoniness demanded by your profession as Desires tells you to stop cowering behind her like a scared baby.
You clear your throat and step out from behind the dame, and begin to discuss the crime with the cook.

'Okay, so maybe you aren't a SUSPECT, to say,' you begin, but find yourself sounding a bit too meek, so you step it up a notch, 'but we still need to ask you a few questions. Lovely's ring had only been stolen about twenty-five minutes ago. The kitchen is adjacent to the dining room, so did you see anyone around this area before the incident?' To yourself, you mentally pat yourself on the back for using your big vocabulary words like "adjacent" and "incident". You’re starting to sound more and more like a big shot P.I. by the second!

As you smile to yourself, the Mekii furrows his brow, trying hard to recall all the faces.

'Well,' he begins, 'other than me, Floppers, and Cutie - who are my assistants and can't do a thing without me knowing about it...' He trails off again, but his train of thought quickly picks back up. 'Lucen, that pesky little devil, came in here trying to steal the desserts. Also, you came in, Darren, and picked up an snack,'

'Oh!' Desires suddenly pips up, 'That's how you knew about the missing ring- you were just in the other room when she first started to flip out!' She smiles to herself, proud of her deduction.

'Well, yeah,' you admit grumpily, 'sometimes the walls of this house make for pretty bad ears and eyes, and I need to find out some of this information myself, okay?' You pout slightly, and ask Chef to continue listing the possible suspects.

'Okay, I think the only other creatures I saw were Figment, who was mulling around in the dining area, and I think I maybe heard pawsteps in the same area at one point, but I didn't look to see who it was.'

'Ah,' you sigh, looking over the list for guilty suspects in your head. You continue, 'The pawsteps you heard sound pretty suspicious, but it's not like we can go back in time and see who it was or anything.' Actually, you think Skittle may be working her evil scientist magic and is building one of those. However, that seems like it could be the plot of another story for another day, and science fiction doesn't really belong in a Noir anyway.

'Eh. Whatever.' Is Chef's reply to your musings. 'Good luck with your little crime solving or whatever you meddling kids. Next time, though,' his voice hits maximum volume yet again, 'DON'T GET ME INVOLVED IN IT!!!'

The angry Mekii storms off, back to his cooking as Desires asks you once again to stop clinging onto her fur when you get scared.

taffy789 • 14 March 2016 at 5:42 PM

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'The next creature we will question,' you inform your partner as you both traverse the halls of the large house, 'is that "pesky little devil" Lucen .'

The blue bunny frowns, and you understand why, as you know her to not enjoy the company of the Luvlei as much as some. And by "some" you mean the people who admire or can handle the completely crazy.
You know from your previous experiences with the Luvlei that he should be in the living room around dinner time, annoying the others around him and generally making a ruckus of himself. Your assumptions are proven correct, as you find the mental pink creature hanging from the stalled ceiling fan right when you enter the room.

'Eh, Lucen!' you call up to him, 'Come down! I need to ask you a few questions concerning a missing item!'

The flying weasel thingy- what is he anyway, you don't know- doesn't comply with your request. Instead, he screeches back down to you, 'I didn't steal those cupcakes! You have the wrong Luvlei! I was framed! Framed, I tell you!'

He grips onto the blades of the fan with all four limbs, as if hanging on for dear life. From your spot on the ground, you notice that he has what looks like frosting smeared around his mouth, and is clenching about two to three colored cupcake wrappers in his right paw. You use these clues to perform some serious deduction, decide that he did, in fact, steal the dessert items, and work this new knowledge to your advantage.

'I know you stole the cupcakes!' you shout to the creature, 'But if you help us solve this other case, I can get you off the hook for that crime!'

'No! You're lying! You're going to book me!' Lucen screams down, 'I won't come down! You'll never take me alive!'

He laughs manically, swearing that you will never catch him and he'll allude you forever. Next to you, Desires sighs and walks over to a panel of switches on the wall. She flips one, and the ceiling fan starts to slowly rotate, picking up speed as the seconds tick by. Soon enough, the fan is spinning so fast that the Luvlei still hanging on it is nothing but a pink blur flashing against the cream-colored ceiling. You hear the shouts of 'Woah!' coming from the creature, and suddenly, Lucen flies off of the blade, slams against the wall with a loud bang, and slowly slips to the floor while the exaggerated slipping sounds ring in your ears, just like in the cartoons.
Your Eyleymo partner, happy that her actions had the desired effect, smiles out of pleasure with what happened, and you both stroll up to the Luvlei, cornering him.

'Oh, okay,' he starts to say, his pupils swirling in circles, 'I guess you DID take me alive!
'
'That we did- by the way, good job Desires.' you congratulate your partner, who smiles at the compliment. You don't smile back, and then continue, 'But next time, let ME solve the problems, as I AM the detective of this case.'

'Oh, just ask him your stupid questions already!' the moody bunny snaps, glaring at you.

'That I will.' You reply, and turn back to the Luvlei. 'Lucen, Lovliness' precious diamond ring has been stolen. I, Darrin the P.I., is on this case. You were in the kitchen around the time the crime was committed. I need to know everything you know- and fast.' You finish solemnly, thinking that you added the sense of urgency nicely.

Lucen blinks, as if starting to understand. He then hunches over, and squints both eyes- one more than the other- and starts to talk if he's a baddie straight from the 1950's.

'Eh, you're a copper, ain't ya? I don't tell no things to no coppers! If ya gunna keep hassling meh, I might just hafta sock ya!' The pink creature shoots you a dirty look, and you hide your inward glee behind a serious expression.
Finally, SOMEBODY gets the idea of playing along, even if the said somebody is completely off his rocker.

'I'm not a "copper", I'm a private investigator. In any case, I can still get you to rot in a cell if you hit me.' you remind him, boring your eyes into his. You feel glad that you recently evolved now; what you lost in innocent cuteness you've gained in even more charm and devilish good looks... oh, and an intimidation factor if you need it.

The Luvlei frowns, and leans in to get a better look at you. His left eye widens, with his right eye still staying squinted and "lazy", as he sees your face.
'Hey, Darry!' he exclaims, realization on his face, Ya old Darry! Ya used to run the old underground market in these parts! What happened to ya? Ya's was the best dealer around these parts! When ya'd become a suit!?'

'I went straight a while ago, I don't do those things anymore.' you swear, shaking your head dramatically. 'Those days are behind me. I work for these "suits" now. And I'm asking your help to solve this case, one old dog to another.'

'Workin' for the suits...' Lucen repeats, and shakes his head with a sour grin, 'Well, Charlie isn't gunna to like this, but ya know what? I'll help ya. I'll tell ya everything I seen.'

'I don't work for Charlie anymore, he has no control over me.' you almost growl. Truthfully, you have no idea who Charlie may be, but hey, it sounds cool. 'Anyway, thank you for your help.'

'Guys.' Desires suddenly interrupts, 'Your stupid is showing.'

Your Luvlei friend throws a quick glance towards the Eyleymo, one of his eyebrows raised high on his forehead.
'Who's the rude dame?' he asks curtly, looking the bunny over with distain.

'A suit I'm paired up with for this case- don't worry about her.' you reply, waving a paw towards your partner. 'She's no trouble, though she does have a mouth on her.'

By this time, Desires has clearly had enough of both of your nonsense and over-acting. She turns away from you both in a huff, calls you a few choice words, and quickly hops from of the room.
You don't worry about it much, as you can always catch up to her after you're done talking with your confidant.

'As I was just gettin' to sayin',' Lucen starts to grumble, and you are forced to marvel at how well he plays a character, 'I was, uh, "acquiring" some of desserts they have to "sample" in the kitchen, you see. That angry green gorilla in there chased me out, for uh, loitering around, ya know? He didn't chase me out because I was stealing desserts- it was just loitering.'

He continues to push his innocence for another minute or two, until you finally assure him that you believe his story.
'Hmm. Okay then, well, I just flew out of the kitchen and into the dining room when I bumped into another grumpy character. That orange alien cat thing who tends to hiss at people who get on his nerves. A real stick in the mud character! His name escapes me, but I'm sure I can remember, for a price...'

You then remind Lucen who's the one who may or may not have committed the crime of grand theft cupcake, and is in danger of heading down to the big house if they don't start talking real fast. The Luvlei slightly pouts, but relents.

'Fine, fine. My memory is working better now anyway. The guy I happened to bump into was Figment . I asked him what he was up to, since he was just mulling around. He replied something like it was none of my beeswax, and stalked away to another corner of the room. Loveliness still sat there in her seat during this time, but eventually she looked at her plate, screamed, and ran off clutching a bag or something. I left after that, and Figment stayed behind. Then I came here. That's about all to my story, and I'm sticking to it!' Lucen finishes passionately, and hunches back against the wall.

You nod and thank him for telling you what he witnessed, all the while your mind races. The clues you pulled from the Luvlei's story are now clicking together in front of you like pieces of a puzzle.

Excited about these new developments, you turn to leave the living room, only pausing to assure Lucen his cupcake theft will be kept hush-hush, and rush out the door.

awesomeness • 14 March 2016 at 5:46 PM

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You catch up with the Eyleymo in the hallway, and saddle up to her with a face full of pride with a suspect well questioned. Her telling you to "buzz off Darrin" kind of makes your expression sour, however. She ignores you as you explain what information you managed to pull from Lucen, but she pays attention when you mention your next suspect- Figment.

'Figment? Yeah right. Why would he have anything to do with Lovely's missing ring?'

Desires frowns, hands on her hips, and suddenly re-interested in the case. You expected this to happen, as she and the moody Olimpt happen to be very good friends. Really, one may not even think it possible, considering the orange cat's cynical and angry disposition, and Desire's short temper, but it somehow works. You recall your owner once dubbing their relationship "like something you’d see on Animal Planet’s Unlikely Animal Friends TV show"- whatever any that human blather could mean. In whatever case, you know that since you're questioning Figment, the dame will be sure to tag along.

'Figment can be tied to the scene of the crime. It very well may be he who stole the ring, even.' you venture with fake caution, trying to reel your partner back to you.

Your plan works beautifully.

'I repeat again- Yeah right.' she scoffs, and tosses her head away from you. 'He would never do something stupid like stealing.'

'Hey,' you protest with a slight pout, 'as an ex-felon, I take offense from that statement. Crime is only stupid if you get caught.' You nod your head at your profound wisdom, and Desires only groans.

'Whatever!' she snaps, 'Let's just go question Figment already!' Without a warning, she starts off stomping- but she's a bunny, so it's really just hopping with force- down the hall, forcing you to drop on all fours to run to catch up to her.




You both arrive at the Olimpt's room at record time, since it was literally just down the hall from you and you ran the entire way. The door is locked, which you expected from a misanthrope- or would it be miscreaturope?- like Figment.
Desires looks at you expectantly after you try the doorknob without success, as if sassily saying 'What now, Sherlock?' And by "as if sassily saying" you mean she actually said it.
You know that Desires can easily get her friend to open the door, but you aren't about to go groveling to her for her help. Instead, you go with the first and more dignifying option- trying to appeal to the Olimpt's better nature.
You knock on the door.

'...What is it?' a growling voice slowly asks from behind the wood.

He's actually talking to you. You didn't even expect to get a reply. For this reason, you can't help but feel a bit hopeful as you begin your persuasive speech. 'It's Darrin, and I-'

'Go away.' the voice cuts in, interrupting your plea.

'You don't understand!' you whine, 'A crime was committed today! I'm the P.I. in charge of the case! I have to question people!'

'In that case, go away FAST.' the voice remarks, and then falls into a state of stubborn silence, not commenting on any more of the arguments you make.

It doesn't take those four years of detective college courses you don't have to know that Figment isn't about to open the door for you anytime soon. You need to question your suspect, but you're definitely aren't about to throw yourself at Desires' smug paws to do so. You decide to go with plan B.

'...Okay, plan B.' you remark out loud, and back up to the wall across from the door. The Eyleymo gives you a questioning look, so you explain your plan to her.

'I'm going to ram this door down.' you say with confidence, despite the human-sized piece of wood being three and a half times your height and ten times as strong.

The dame laughs. 'And I'm going to film you smacking head first into the door and put it on the Internet.'

'Well, Desires,' you chuckle to yourself while stretching your legs and cracking your neck, 'you obviously don't know about the superior strength we Flarens possess.' You flex an upper leg. 'It's something to be amazed at, really.'

'Flarens are only good at being can openers, considering that horn on your head.' she snorts back to you, and you just laugh at her comment.
'As if Eyleymos are good for anything other than being secondhand Onnies.' you smile, trying to ignore the impeding sense of doom that comes with Desire's face turning as red as erupting lava spewing out of a volcano. 'Really,' you continue, trying not to sound too hasty to get what may be your last words out of your mouth, 'I bet you couldn't get this door open if your life depended on it.' Her life didn't depend on it, but your life sure did depend on her listening to you! You remember you're supposed to be a noir detective, and that noir detectives aren't supposed to get scared, but that advice to yourself is lost somewhere as you sweat through your fur coat.

'I can get this door open! And I can do it in a less stupid way than you're about to!' your raging partner shouts at you, and then turns to the obstacle in question. She pounds a paw against the wood, yelling, 'FIGMENT! OPEN UP! YOU KNOW WHO IT IS!'

Complete silence follows, but you swear you can hear the sounds of the steam whistling out of Desire's ears as she silently simmers. With each second that passes, you grow more assured that even Figment would know better than to open the door while his friend was in such a state of fury, and soon enough the blue bunny would turn to you, descending upon you like Loveliness on one of those cabinets from before...

Luckily, the power of friendship saves you, and Figment opens the door, blinking passive eyes at the now tomato-colored Eyleymo.

'Oh, what has you bent on murder this time? Did that moronic Luvlei Lucen get into your room again, or-?' he asks with little emotion, eyes scanning his friend. Desires wordlessly jabs an accusing paw in your direction, and his eyes switch targets to the spot where you are standing while a look of realization spreads across his face.

'Oh. Darrin.' he comments flatly. 'Didn't I tell you to go away already?'

You regain your composure before replying, and will your body to stop shaking. 'I'm a Flaren that's hard to get rid of.' you remark, flashing a self-assured smile that comes out looking not assured at all since your teeth are still clacking together out of fear.

'Oh, come on Figgy,' the girl who had been and still is the source of your terror snaps, 'just answer Darrin's stupid questions and prove to him you didn't steal Lovliness' stupid ring so we can get this stupid pretend game over with already!' She stomps a paw on the ground in a fit of fury, and you are still too petrified to call the dame out on the lack of variety in her adjectives.
'Oh and by the way, fur ball,' she sneers with a growl as she throws a deadly glare in your direction, 'it seems as if my plan actually WORKED. And it was less idiotic than your plan too! Huh. Look at that.'

You do your best at ignoring the waves of hate and scorn emanating off of the Eyleymo, and instead give her a pleasant smile.

'Yeah. Seems like my plan was stupid. Yours was so much better. I concede defeat.' Desires searches your expression for any signs of sarcasm, but accepts the compliment upon not finding any. She turns back to her friend, gives him a self-satisfied "See, I won" look, and then struts inside the room rather self-importantly. Figment sighs and follows in after her, leaving you outside and still shaking. You eventually get your bones to stop clattering together, and suppress a laugh at remembering how pleased Desires looked with herself once you "conceded defeat"... Yeah right.

Your plan wasn't as simple as just breaking down the door, oh no. Getting Desires to open the door without having to beg her to had been YOUR genius scheme, and it had worked perfectly, even if you'd really thought you were about to die there for a second or two... No matter that, though! It worked without a hitch, the Eyleymo was never the wiser!

You smile to yourself, assured of your own cunning, and walk into Figment's room head held high.

taffy789 • 14 March 2016 at 5:50 PM

__________________________ ~~~____________________________

The three of you sit on the rug in the suspect's room. You notice that the surrounding area suits his personality exactly- bland, boring, and if the walls could pessimistically complain about every subject known to both man and creature, they would. You take your mind off the tasteless decor as you prep yourself for the interrogation process.

'Figment,' you begin in a serious fashion, 'you were in the dining room around the time Lovliness' ring got taken, correct?'

'I wasn't aware that her ring was stolen, but I suppose I was in the room.' the orange cat replies grumpily, as always. 'I left before she came back from where ever she ran off to, so I didn't see a thing. Knowing thieves, however, the ring is probably half way across Ark by now, and it's no use in trying to find it here, so can you leave my room now?' he grumbles, sounding mildly aggravated.

You give a knowingly smile, and lean back slightly on the soft carpet. 'That's a nice cover story there, but you have no alibi. I've went over the clues to this puzzle in my head a million times already. You're the only one I can peg to the scene, which means you must've committed the crime. The clues point no other way, so I'm afraid you're caught red handed.'

Desires slaps your paws as you begin to pull out the handcuffs you had on you.

'Stop that!' the dame exclaims, pouting and angry, 'You're only suggesting that Figgy is the thief because you ran out of leads!'

'Of course I am!' you return, recoiling your limb away from your partner's smack, 'Your dear "Figgy"'- you feel a pang of sympathy for the Olimpt; Desires has to be the worst nicknamer in the history of Ark!- 'is the last suspect to investigate. Let me tell you how these detective shows work. The cops get to the end of their trail of clues, think they have the right person, but then it turns out this person has some revealing last piece of information which leads the detectives to the real culprit!' You grin smugly, fully aware of your amazing genre savviness. 'So, "Figgy", what astounding, game-changing revelation do you have in store for us?'

The suspect glares you down before replying. "Well, mister "My name rhymes with my species' name",'- he makes you flinch back with that cutting insult, and you find yourself wanting to curl up into a ball and pretend he just didn't remind you of that fact that certainly doesn't exist, no matter what anybody says- 'as it turns out,' Figment continues, 'I don't have any "shocking revelations" for you. Like I said before, I left before Lovliness came back... I didn't see a thing.'

'Game-changing.' you remind your suspect, 'I said game-changing revelations, not shocking ones. We don't need shocking revelations. These who-done-its are never shocking because you can always expect it to be the person you least expect it to be.' You complain to the Olimpt, who only snorts at your lecture.

'Fine.' Slightly pouting, you fold your arms against your chest, but then remember the long-forgotten character you keep dropping, and turn the pout into a moody, tough-guy scowl. 'It seems that you have no evidence of your innocence,' you start to say, pulling out the handcuffs once more, 'which only proves your guilt. You're going downtown, bub.'

Your partner once again flies in to swat a paw, but this time it isn't yours, and the Eyleymo catches her friend right before he could smack you and send you flying in a beautiful arch across his room!

'As much as I already wanted to pound Darrin's smug face in today, maybe this isn't the best of ideas.' the bunny warns in a calming fashion, clutching onto Figment's paws.

‘“Darrin's HANDSOME smug face",' you politely correct.

Both Desires and the Olimpt give you the same disbelieving look, before your partner sighs, releases her grip, and you are forced to scramble backwards on all fours to avoid the claws which would send you shooting like a star into the wall to your right-!

'AH! Okay, okay, okay!' you exclaim, panting and now cowering in a corner of the room, 'I'll be quiet now. You know what, I'll even stop accusing you, even if you're still clearly guilty!'
Across the room, the accused continues to look displeased with your offers, and extends his claws menacingly.

You are not threatened by him one bit, and show off your unbending, rock-solid will by promptly begging for your life.

'Ahhh-okay, I'll leave! Please! But can you at LEAST answer ONE of my questions? Pleeeeassse?' Asking nicely is something those noir characters would never do, but if it's either that or getting slapped into next Tuesday, you'll gladly break your already broken character.

'If you're willing to keep up your end of the deal, then yes, I'll do anything in the world to get you to shut your trap and leave me be.' Figment scowls, and you think to yourself that YOU'RE not the one who needs to shut their trap around here, since you can smell the tuna on the orange cat's breath from seven feet away...

Despite this, you smile kindly at the creature who you are still considering booking and sending to the big house for threatening a pretend police officer- a class A misdemeanor, you're sure- and you walk back to your spot on the carpet, trying to think of a solid question to ask the Olimpt.

Using your master memory, you remember Lucen saying something about dear "Figgy" "mulling around" the dining room...

'Figment,' you ask, 'my question is, what exactly WERE you doing at the scene of the crime? You don't usually hang around the kitchen area for fun, do you?' (In fact, you highly doubt that it's even possible for the grumpy cat to HAVE fun.) 'Then why were you at the scene of the crime?'

Your suspect squirms where he sits.
'What, do you follow my every day routine or something? What I do is my own personal business! This is my house too, you know!' he defends himself, though looking uneasy.

'I won't leave this room until you answer my question!' you respond passionately, 'That was part of the deal!'

'Stay here and rot then!' Figment retorts back, and you were just about to sling another snappy comment back at him- which would've started a never-ending war of snark- but Desires interrupts before the real fight could break loose, as always.

'Oh, just tell Darrin what happened already!' she snaps, losing what little patience she has left. '

'...Fine.' her friend complies, gritting his fangs together, 'I was in the dining room... cleaning.'

'Cleaning?' you echo, tilting your head in surprise.

'... Cleaning?' even Desires smiles tightly, amused by his confession.

'Yes, cleaning.' Figment repeats with a sigh, 'Because everyone here acts like pigs in a sty, and the maid does a pretty terrible job despite the outrageous amount of EC our owner pays her for the little work she doesn't do. If nobody else here is going to do the dusting and sweeping here, it's never going to get done. It's a stupid, monotonous job because everything clean will just get dirty again and there's absolutely nothing I can do about that dreadful fact, but I can't stand knowing there's an inch-thick layer of dust on the cabinets. And- I'm being entirely truthful here- I know I'm probably the only one in this household who can clean correctly, as the rest of you guys are all, undeniably, horrid, filthy creatures.' He deadpans the last part, causing Desires to mutter 'Thanks a lot for that Figgy.' under her breath.

Upon hearing this, you glance around the room, now taking note of the pristine, methodical way the Olimpt's belongings are arranged- which was probably why everything looked as boring as it did at first glance, and still does upon closer inspection. Everything is very... organized. You were never aware that your pessimistic housemate could be a neat freak, and always left that diagnosis to creatures like Brownie, the nanny Calla who flies around trying to calm everyone down constantly. Learn something new every day, you suppose.

'Now that my "big secret" is out, I suppose I'll just go ahead and tell you all I saw so you can't bother me with any more of this "interrogation" stuff.' Figment rolls his eyes, and begins to speak, 'I was cleaning, or rather, was about to clean, when that pest Lucen stopped me and asked what I was doing. I basically told him to buzz off and went to another part of the room when suddenly, Loveliness screamed and raced out to wherever. Lucen left a bit after that, flying out with a bunch of cupcakes in his paws. After everyone was gone, I started to clean up the dining room area- dusted the cabinets, shined the doorknobs, the works- and then left. I didn't take the ring, or even see it. I also didn't see anybody else come in before or after me.'

He concludes his narration, and it seems to you like Figment is really in the clear, leaving you suspect less, at the end of your line, down on your luck, with your back against the wall, and most importantly, out of old sayings to explain how bad your situation is!

Luckily, a good P.I. always knows how to catch his criminal in the end, and you rack your brain to find more clues. You shut your eyes and think back to the crime scene- was there anything that stood out, anything that you could use?

The ketchup on the floor? The chairs in a mess? The dust on the...

awesomeness • 14 March 2016 at 5:54 PM

Your eyes fly open, widening with glee.

'Figment! You didn't clean everything, did you?' you hastily ask, practically bouncing up and down out of excitement.

The cat looks a bit taken back, 'No, I guess not... I left the table dirty because Loveliness' plate was still on it, and /I/ wasn't about to move it... Why are you acting like this is so important?'

'Because it IS important!' you loudly exclaim, bursting with joy and once again completely forgetting your tough noir persona in your mad rush to the door.

'I figured it out!' you cry to the heavens, and quickly turn around to address your partner, 'Desires! Gather Loveliness, all the suspects, and the owner around the dining area in twenty minutes! This is important!'

You're grinning like a mad Bessie as you run out of the doorway, and chant 'I solved it~! I solved it~!' happily as you skip down the halls, ready to officially close the case.


__________________________ ~~~____________________________



Forty-five minutes later, on the dot, you fling the doors to dining room open, and stroll in smiling to yourself while your paws rest comfortably behind your back. You notice the place has been cleaned up since the crime and Loveliness' following tantrum occurred. Now, instead of looking like a trailer park slammed by a tornado, it just looks like the trailer park.

The mass of creatures- and your owner- who are sitting around the dining table do not seem to notice you as you make your grand entrance. This annoys you a bit, as presentation IS everything, but you can't do a thing about it, as the group is too caught up passing time the way everyone does in your household- by having heated, nonsensical arguments.

At least, you note to yourself, everyone is already here, having arrived before you.
You decide to make your presence known to the group by loudly praising everyone on their good punctuality, but the room's chatter grows oddly quiet after everyone's heads turn to see you standing by the door. Desires, Figment, Lovliness- who had been complaining loudly about her missing ring to everyone in ear shot until you spoke up- Chef, Lucen, and even Taffy, the owner, all shoot you dirty looks.

'...What's wrong?' you blink, and are suddenly assaulted by a wave of raging comments.

'Darrin! You asked us to be here in twenty minutes!' Desires shouts, rising up out of her chair in anger, 'You arrived a good twenty-five minutes later! You're late to the meeting YOU called!'

'Yeah!' Loveliness adds to the bunny's rant, dramatically throwing her paws to the ceiling, 'It feels like we've been here for YEEEAARS!'

'Years?' You raise an eyebrow, trying to ignore the dame's loud, melodramatic bemoaning, 'Really, you've only had to wait twenty-five minutes. That isn't anything compared to a year.'

The Baistay folds her arms, expression souring.
'Well! It might as WELL be years!' she fires back, exasperated with your logic. 'Anyway,' her tone changes and you get painful war flashbacks to Loveliness' wild shrieking as she shook Desires, 'WHERE IS MY RING!??!'

You jump back as the crazy girl flings herself across the table, but luckily she is stopped when Taffy grabs her out of thin air, and holds the creature tight in her hands.

'Darrin, perhaps you should really just get to the point with all of this already.' your owner warns you, fighting the struggling Baistay that is trying to wriggle out of her grip and fling herself at your throat.

'YEAH!' the green demon being restrained adds, calling out to you, 'TELL ME WHERE MY RING IS!'

As she begins to gnaw at Taffy's hands, who shifts her grip on the creature to avoid losing fingers, you can't help but to shake your head sadly at Loveliness' behavior. She's a drama queen, a diva, pure and simple! Everything with her has to be so dramatic all the time, gosh it annoys you so much! You crinkle your nose at her childish actions and instead turn to the group you have collected in front of you, ready to start.

'My dear friends, I'm sorry for my long, unexpected absence, but the steps it took to truly solve this case took a bit more time than I realized they would.' You begin with a reserved smile, the very stature of calmness and passivity- Loveliness should really take a cue from you, you think!

'I'll say you took long enough.' Chef grumbles from the right end of the dining table, 'I'm taking this time out of my break! This better be important.'

'It is important, my dear Mekii,' you assure the huge gorilla creature, and begin pacing the length of the table, your paws clasped behind your back as you walk on your hind legs. "You may be wondering why I called you all here today...'

'Actually, we AREN'T.' Figment rudely buts in, voice as cutting as a fancy yet unrealistically sharp Japanese sword of some kind, 'You already told us that you're here to explain who stole Lovely's ring. It isn't some big mystery about why you called us here, you know.'

You give the Olimpt who's acting like a totally joy killer a disapproving look.

'Yes, you may know THAT,' you frown, 'but what you DON'T know is that, after extensively looking over the clues given to me, I have concluded that the thief isssssssssssss...' You hold out this note, partly for dramatic fashion, and partly because your eyes are trained on another door to your far right, waiting for your cue.

The group around you starts to get rather unsettled and annoyed as you turn blue from the stress of holding the same sound for over a minute, and begin to complain loudly for you to get on with it already. Loveliness especially looks as if she's about ready to end you.

Just when you begin to think that you'll have to drop the sound you're stretching and start tap dancing to stall for time, the door opens and the final suspect walks in, saving you from that train wreck.

'THE SUSPECT IS IN THIS VERY ROOM!' you exclaim suddenly, making the group jump, while jabbing a paw towards the sky in an over-acted fashion.

The creatures- and Taffy- just blink as they stare at you, wordless in their confusion. This awkward silence is broken when Loveliness finally manages to chomp down hard on your owner's hand, freeing herself from her grip, and jumps to the ground, landing perfectly before turning on her house mates, screaming, 'I KNEW IT!'

The dame is literally foaming at her mouth as she continues, 'WHICH ONE OF YOU DIRTY ROTTEN SCOUNDRELS WAS THE ONE WHO STOLE MY DIAMOND RING!' She seems bent on murder, and at this accusation everyone else reanimates, and starts to point fingers at one another out of both desperation and confusion.

'Desires,' Taffy says nonchalantly as she sucks at the bite mark the Baistay left on her hand, 'I always knew you were a criminal.'

'Wha?' the Eyleymo blinks, turning to her owner. 'I didn't-'

'Yeah, Desires, I can't believe what you've done.' Figment agrees in a flat tone, expressionless.

'Oh, quiet you both!' the bunny snaps, growing red at their words, and not because of embarrassment. The three begin to argue amongst one another, and Loveliness jumps into the fray, accusing them all left and right.
At the other side of the table, Lucen is adding to the chaos by screaming random words to the ceiling while jumping on Chef's head, which the Mekii doesn't seem to appreciate that one bit. He appears to be trying to claw at the Luvlei in attempt to get him to stop pulling at his ears.
Amid the yelling and flurry of accusations, you stand, patiently waiting for them to stop so you can continue your awesome detective moment.

... After a good three minutes of unrelenting disorder, you scream at the group to "SHUT IT ALREADY!" They all turn to you, and you clear your throat, trying to recover your calm demeanor.

'As I was saying,' you begin, 'the real thief is in this very room... Or, rather, has just entered this room! Well, they entered it three minutes ago, but whatever...'

You wave a paw, and then exclaim, jabbing a paw towards the thief, who has been standing near the door looking very confused this entire time, 'THE MAID DID IT!'

taffy789 • 14 March 2016 at 10:06 PM

The maid, a young, female, first-stage Aerlo doesn't seem to understand why everyone in the room suddenly flipped around to her and let out a collective gasp. Obviously confused, she gives a small cough, before asking, 'Like, uhh, is this a bad time or something?'

'YOU CAN BET IT'S A BAD TIME, SISTER!' Loveliness lets loose an unholy screech, and flings herself at the maid, but the following carnage is avoided because Taffy throws herself onto the Baistay, and pins her down once more.

'LOVELINESS! We can't just tear people apart without any evidence! You have to leave the unjust prosecution to the real court system!' your owner gasps as she wrestles the creature into a deadlock.

The maid looks honestly terrified, but you have a lack of sympathy for somebody who works and only does a half-baked job. Oh, and also because she is the accused thief, you guess.

'The jig is up, miss The Maid, if that IS your real name.' you sneer, strolling up to the accused.

'It's not.' the Aerlo blinks, growing more confused. 'My name is Veronica.'

'Exactly!' you exclaim, turning to the group. 'Her name is not "The Maid"! She's been lying to us this whole time!'

'I have totally not!' Veronica replies indignantly, 'My name has like, never not been Veronica!'

'Darrin,' your owner interrupts from the floor, 'perhaps you should give some EVIDENCE as to why you think, uh, Veronica here is the thief?'

'I'm glad you asked.' you reply with a smile, 'And I will, gladly.'

You quickly walk back over to the front of the table, wanting to stand in front of all for the explanation.

'The first clue I stumbled upon was, in fact, when I talked to Chef about who he saw in the surrounding kitchen and dining area right before the crime.' you begin, talking with the firmness and cunning of a great and knowledgeable detective like that Sherlock guy himself, 'Chef mentioned many suspects, all of whom I've already questioned, and that he also heard strange pawsteps outside his kitchen area. This means that, there was one other person who entered the dining room whom no one saw.'

You begin to pace the room, pulling out your bubble pipe and puffing on it as you speak.
'After inquiring with the other suspects, I was led to Figment. I interviewed him, and upon our talk, I discovered that there was a small time frame when nobody was in the room with the ring... well, nobody but our thief. Also, Figment confided in me another important clue- the dusting.'

The others around you shoot you questioning looks, and you take a moment to soak in the feeling of being the cleverest person in the room.

'Figment, who today I learned has a cleanliness issue,'

'Why don't you just blab it out to everyone, Darrin!' the Olimpt hisses to you from his chair.

Funnily enough, you've already decided that you WILL tell everyone and anyone who's willing to listen, and it's nice to now have Figment's support behind your actions, but you keep your maw shut and you don't say that. Instead, you continue on as if the interruption never happened.

'Figment confessed that he cleaned and dusted most of the cabinets and other furniture in this room. All the furniture, except for the table, which Loveliness was still eating on, so he didn't bother. This can be proven because of an observation I earlier... uh, observed,' you falter for a moment, thrown off by your own poor word choice, but recover, 'the table is horribly dusty!'

'I'll say,' Figment scoffs, dragging a paw across the wooden surface while grimacing.

'DARRIN!' Loveliness exclaims from pinned under your owner, 'HURRY UP AND GET TO THE POINT ALREADY! I wanna get my revenge already! How does this prove that the maid is guilty?!'

'I'm getting to that!' you hush Baistay, and then go on. ''While talking to Figment, I got a powerful hunch. During my twenty-five minute absence, I went to go find Brownie , since our Calla nanny is constantly aware of the happenings in our home. I asked her what times our maid here shows up to clean, and as it turns out, our maid starts work a little before the time our crime was committed! Now, I've seen the maids habits myself,' you puff a few more bubbles out of your pipe with an air of self-importance, 'and I know from my own prior observations that she usually starts cleaning in the kitchen. Now, tell me, why would our CLEANING lady, of all people, miss the dirtiest spot in the entire dining room? Anyone with eyes could see how dusty the table was! And the rest of the room was already spotless, so it couldn't be that she ran out of time! No, I deduce that she walked into the dining room, was about to clean off the table when she saw the ring by Loveliness' plate, then she stole the ring and took off before Lovely could return and see her!' You conclude with zeal, with burning eyes and the passion of the hunt purposely evident in your voice.

A short silence followed, then, 'Is this like, why you called me out here, Darrin? To accuse me of stealing a ring or something!' Veronica gasps, 'Oh my gosh, I wouldn't ever do a thing like that! Never!'

'So you say,' you reply from tight lips, saddling up to the maid, 'but what is THIS!' Close to her, you reach into one of her apron pockets, grab a small object, and then whip it out for all to see.
'An... egg coin?' Taffy asks, frowning while looking up at what you're holding up for all to see.

'Oh, sorry. Wrong thing.' you mutter, dropping the coin back into the Aerlo's apron while disappointed at your old twitchy fingers for acting up again and grabbing a familiar item. You reach your paws back into her pocket, find the correct object, and then whip it out for all to see, shouting again, 'BUT WHAT IS THIS?!!?'

Now, another collective gasp- and by "collective" you mean only from Lucen- echoes amongst the group.

The stolen ring sparkles in your paws, and at the very sight of it, Loveliness squeals, receives a bout of super strength and throws Taffy off of her, and rushes towards you, beaming.

'OH, IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou!' the Baistay shrieks at a pitch you're sure only small creatures can hear.

'I'm sorry, my dear dame, but that feeling is not mutual.' you sigh, saddened to have to break yet another heart, but not really sad to, not at all, 'You see, I'm the type to be married to my work. It just wouldn't be fair to you. You deserve better, and by that, I mean a mental institution...'

'Shut up!' Lovely tells you in her normal "soothing" manner, 'I'm talking to my diamond ring!' She snatches the jewelry up from your hands and rubs it against her face while whispering to it how she'll never lose it ever again, and also apparently forgetting her threat of revenge against the maid.

You ignore her as she exits the dining room- obviously wanting to spend some alone time with her recovered possession- and you can't help but think "good riddance".

'Look, I totally do NOT know how that got in my apron!' Veronica wildly insists, frantic, 'Totally honest!'

'Save your lies for the big house!' you exclaim to the maid, 'You've been caught red handed!'

'I agree, Darrin's explanation makes enough sense to me.' Taffy breaths, picking herself up off the floor while dusting herself off.

'I'll agree if it gets me out of this room.' Figment sighs.

'I second the Olimpt's opinion.' Chef nods.

'OFF WITH HER HEAD!' screams Lucen from his new place on top of the chandelier hanging over the table.

'Wait, wait, WAIT.' Desires suddenly pips up, 'Hold on for a moment here. Can I just point out a few things?'

'No.' you answer, but she just glares you down and goes on anyway.

'First off, Darrin, how did know it was the maid who stole the ring JUST by the dust on the table? I mean, I suppose in some crazy, convoluted way, it DID make sense, but it was a stretch in any case!'

'When do things EVER make sense in this household?' you mutter, but are ignored.

'Secondly, just how did you even know that Veronica had put the ring in her pocket? How did you know it was there?' your annoying partner stares you down accusingly, hands on her hips.

You give a soft sigh. 'Okay, maybe, JUST maybe,' you begin, looking at the floor. You drop your voice to a whisper, and then say as quiet as possible, 'okay maybe I actually saw the entire thing happen because I was hiding under the table when the crime was committed.'

Despite your attempts at near muteness, the Eyleymo's formidable ears catch your words.

'You what.' Desires exhales, staring at you with a blank, unregistering look of rage.

'Do you mean to tell me, that, this entire time, you already knew who the thief was?' the dame looks furious as she adds, 'May I ask, just WHY did you lead me and so many others on this wild goose chase?'

Left without a good answer, you merely shrug. 'I've always wanted to be in my own noir film?'

'And why were you under the table in the first place?' she snarls out from gritted teeth.

Again, you merely shrug, only armed with a short reply. 'Why NOT?'

You instinctively flinch after answering, tightening your muscles together, and preparing to be smacked into next Tuesday, but no blows come, except for the heavy blowing of air from Desire's cheeks.

'You know what, I don't even care anymore. Whatever works, works, I guess.' the dame throws up her paws. 'I'm done. Book her, whatever. Let's just get this done with.'

'But like, I DIDN'T do it!' the Aerlo presses, only to be hushed by your owner.

'We found you with the ring in your pocket, so stop lying.' Taffy shakes her head, and then says, 'Now, how to go about punishing you...'

'Don't send me to jail!' the maid cries out in a last-ditch effort, 'I totally can't handle that!'

Taffy laughs. 'Well, I'm not exactly sure if you CAN go to jail for what you did...'

awesomeness • 14 March 2016 at 10:11 PM

'What do you mean?' you question, lifting an eyebrow. 'She tried to steal a DIAMOND RING. That's pretty big...'

'Oh, yeah, about that...' Your owner gets a strange look that can only be described as a mixture of sheepishness, deviousness, and that same goofy look to her she always has... 'I have a confession too, Darrin. The diamond on that ring was fake.'

Everyone left in the room looks a bit surprised, but you're most affected, as your jaw hits the floor in shock. Not literally, though, because that would be both gross and anatomically inaccurate.

'How?' Is the only word you manage to choke out while your gaping mouth forces back any other intelligent conversation.

'You see,' Taffy begins to explain, 'Loveliness was begging me for some jewelry forever! And a while ago, I found a weird box in the attic filled to the brim with a BUNCH of rings! I thought I hit the motherload- but I got a professional jeweler to look at them thoroughly, and as it turns out, they were all very, very convincing fakes.' She looks a bit depressed as she recalls this, as if remembering the disappointment.
'However, I decided to take a few to make nice gifts! It worked out wonderfully! Just don't tell Loveliness, else she'll come after me.'

You are beginning to shake the shock off as Veronica asks, hopeful, 'Does this mean I'm, like, totally off the hook?'

Taffy muses on this for a second before replying, 'No, you still tried to steal from us, and we can't really trust you to clean up around here anymore. I'll have to fire you now, so get lost, mmkay?' She says the last part cheerfully, and with a good-natured smile, making you and the rest of your house mates all silently wonder what demon spawn laid the egg that your owner happened to hatch out of.

Veronica the maid, dejected and muttering angrily to herself, stomps out of the dining room. Again, you can't help but think good riddance as she leaves.

Stretching, Taffy swings around to you. 'Ah, thanks for helping us figure that out Darrin!' She smiles down at you, 'Really, now that I think about it, I wonder what other things the maid could've been taking behind our backs over the years... In fact, somebody has taken money from my piggy bank before, and it could've been her!'

Desires shoots you a look from across the room, but says nothing about who really stole that money all those months ago. Perhaps, you think, she really respects that you've gone straight, or maybe it's because you helped solve this horrible case. Whatever it may be, the dame doesn't snitch you out, and instead just walks out with Chef and Figment, not saying another word to you, sweeping out of your life just like she came sweeping into your office just a few short hours ago. Once more, good riddance.

You turn your attention back to your owner. 'All in a day’s work, ma'am.' you answer back in your best tough detective impression.

The human shakes her head. 'You know, it's funny how this mystery ended.' she comments, 'They always make fun of how the "help" or the "butler" always did it, but it never really happens... I guess it's always the person you least expect, you know? Wait... Oh!' Her eyes suddenly light up with passion, 'I should write a story about this!' With that, she races off, leaving you with only the sounds of a screaming, hyper-active Luvlei swinging on the chandelier to be your background noise.

After a few minutes tick by, even Lucen flies off somewhere, leaving you alone at what was once a tragic crime scene, and now is a room holding a case now closed.


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taffy789 • 14 March 2016 at 10:16 PM

...Well, maybe not ALL the way closed.

You chuckle to yourself, walking over to underneath the table, and search for a fresh wad of pink bubblegum. Upon finding it, you scrape off the top layer of sticky, flavored plastic and pull out what has been hiding in it- Loveliness' diamond ring.

Well actually, you suppose while frowning to yourself, her FAKE diamond ring. Ah, if only this was real, you sigh, if only if only. Really, now it seemed like you did all of this hard work and over-acting for nothing at all.

Still, you can't help but applaud yourself for a job well done, pulled off without a hitch... with the exception of the little bump here and there.

Smiling to yourself, you go over your mastermind scheme in your head to remind yourself of your brilliance.

Earlier in the day, after you had stolen some snacks from Chef's kitchen, you snuck into the dining room with the skill of a ninja- not being seen by anyone- and hid under the table to look for some dropped silverware. You never got around to snatching any, but you instead found something better- Loveliness' diamond ring.

Using your expert patience, you waited for Loveliness to run off, and then waited some more for Lucen to distract Figment by chatting before quickly snatching the ring and pushing it into a fresh wad of gum. Then, you rushed off as soon as Figment had his back turned to you. You knew, though, with your long list of past grievances, you would be- rightfully- suspected for the crime. So, you came up with the master plan of pretending to be trying to catch the "real thief"- AKA, yourself- while really just looking for a poor sucker with a loose enough alibi to pin the crime on.
Luckily for you but unfortunate for her, the maid just so happened to be that perfect sucker. And after picking your sucker, it was as simple as planting a convincing fake ring- which came from the box in the attic that actually belonged to you and your black market- on her so you could "catch her red handed" later.

You suppose you should feel bad for your actions, but as you've mentioned before, you really do not care for the maid that much, as she did a rather terrible job and was robbing your owner of a thousand EC a day, so really, who was the REAL criminal here? Well, still you, but Veronica deserved her just desserts!

At the end of your plan, you would've been a couple hundred thousand EC richer and your owner would've gotten rid of a bad employee, a fair win-win situation.

Although, it seems like you won't get anything much with the ring after all, considering it is not real, it belonged to you in the first place, and also how you kind of replaced it with another ring of the same exact black market value, thus gaining a net total of zero... You sigh sadly.

Although you may get away with many crimes, you can't win ALL the time, it seems! Life can be so unfair!

To compensate yourself, you pocket some forks and spoons from the table before heading back to your room. You laugh, thinking back on how Desires actually BELIEVED you went goody-two-shoes straight... Seriously, people as good as you don't stop in their prime, or even past their prime! In fact, if things go smoothly, you can easily see yourself running your black market ring until you take your last breath... and even after that, you can see yourself running your business from the grave!

You laugh again at that thought, and stroll back to your office, happy that you pulled off your plan without any trouble and with your content paws full of stolen silverware.


~End