Writing Drabbles

shrimp • 28 January 2021 at 9:44 AM

Honestly, I just wanted a place to post my writing and I'm too scared to do it on my usual platforms lol
These are mostly written in class when I'm ignoring my school work


// Below the Clouds // A short thing (in second person) that I wrote in science class!!

The mansion stretched above where you could see, having to crane your neck back to even try and grasp the size of the dark brick walls. Moss and lichen grew up the side of the house, new growth reaching to the third level. It was larger than any building you had ever seen, besides the towers that touched the clouds in the cities you had driven through mere hours ago.
You were coming from a small town in the midwest, nearly abandoned and mostly just family land. It had been your home for as long as you could remember, and you’d likely miss it dearly for familiarity's sake. Now you were in the northeast, deep in the mountains and higher than you could’ve imagined living before. The spruce trees stretched on for miles, disappearing into the fog at the edge of your sight.
The small car you were driving was still in the driveway as you stood on the gravel beyond the gate, which had opened with the simple code your mother had told you. You were to visit your father’s family, she had said; a man long dead that continued to make decisions for you, it seemed.
You were only ten when he left, and twelve when news reached your mother that he had passed, alone in a city with towers that touched the clouds. You had been despondent since, sticking in the small town you called home, helping around the house, and forgoing higher education in favor of sticking with familiarity.
And now here you stood, face turned towards the towering brick walls, contemplating meeting the blood you’d been turning away from for so long. You didn’t have to visit of course, but your mother’s pleading stare and she mentioned you traveling to see them made you cave. They were nice, she had said, and they wanted to meet you. You were as much a part of them as they were of you; you were the last thing they had of their son, and they were the last thing you had of your father.
It was an inevitable meeting that left you more curious and concerned at once than you could ever recall being, but it was something that must be done. You drove over one-thousand miles; you weren’t going to leave as you got to the door. Your feet carried you to the porch, soft gravel changing into hard, clacking stone. The bricks of the walls were lighter up close, more likely a brown stained black by age- rather than being black for posterity’s sake.
The dark oak of the double-doors loomed in front of you, seemingly towering despite only being slightly larger than average. Everything of this property screamed wealth, screamed proper, old, perhaps even orthodox had the situation been different. It was intimidating, but something inside of you claimed it was home, something so long forgotten it had soured into distaste.
A light turned on from behind the curtain of the front window. Knocking on the door was a now or never opportunity; sooner or later they would either realize you were simply standing there, or you could leave, and have them never know you arrived.
Seemingly against your will, you knocked, hand reverberating almost painfully on the solid wood. A near-silent shuffling could be heard from inside, the curtains moving slightly, someone likely peeking out, before the steps sped up and the door flung open.
A tall woman, head only slightly below the door frame, stared down at you, mouth hanging open in surprise. She seemed frozen, glancing at your face and your clothing in rapid, small movements. You stared back, stared at the burgundy coat that contrasted terribly with the navy blue sweatpants she wore. Her eyes were dark, almost black, and her hair was the same, save for the silver streaks that painted her roots.
Her breath dragged loudly in a gasp, and you met her eyes once again before you were pulled into a desperate hug. Your hands scrabbled for purchase- to push away or pull close you didn’t know- but it was over in seconds, and you were left frazzled and tense, feet firmly stepping to the edge of the porch.
Vaguely, you could hear other footsteps in the house, the sound of boots tip-tapping down the stairs jostling you out of your stupor. Hands reached for you again before stopping short as you once again stepped back, heels meeting the bottom of the porch railing.
“Eden Foster.” A deep, brutal voice spoke from behind the woman; from the boots heard previously coming down the stairs. “Please excuse my dear wife, she isn’t such used to seeing you in the flesh.” Your eyes followed the woman as she stepped aside, still seemingly shell-shocked by your sudden appearance. They were polar opposites if their reactions to your sudden appearance were anything to go by.

Deleted • 28 January 2021 at 10:15 AM

"You were coming from a small town in the midwest, nearly abandoned and mostly just family land."
??? Farm land?

"You didn’t have to visit of course, but your mother’s pleading stare and she mentioned you traveling to see them made you cave.
This part seems a bit off.. maybe and her fervent requests on traveling to see them made you cave?

"It was an inevitable meeting that left you more curious and concerned at once than you could ever recall being, but it was something that must be done."
The two words doesn't seem to make the sentence flow.

"A near-silent shuffling could be heard from inside, the curtains moving slightly, someone likely peeking out, before the steps sped up and the door flung open. "
likely someone peeking out,

"but it was over in seconds, and you were left frazzled and tense, feet firmly stepping to the edge of the porch. "
I don't quite get this, Eden backed away? feet backing away from the doorway, this doesn't sound right either..

I love it! This is a great piece of work, I have to say- from the 7th paragraph onwards, your story hooked me in. I was drawn deeper and deeper into the scene. This is fantastic and creative, you've done such a great job! Thank you for the story! Forgive me if you feel offended with the above corrections..
@jlya

shrimp • 28 January 2021 at 11:03 AM

@laylamocha I'm not offended at all don't worry!!
Yeah I didn't really proofread it other than correcting some of my spelling lol
It was a very rushed piece, so I still need to go back through and correct my sentence structure 😃

Oh, but for the first thing; I did mean family land! Like a small town that's mostly just family and relatives! I guess it's not quite common anymore but it's kind of like the place I grew up in!

Deleted • 28 January 2021 at 6:54 PM

@foreigners Oh, I see. I have never seen this term being used in books I've read so far, so I didn't know and the sentence made less sense to me. Now, it still feels a bit weird but I get the meaning! That is an interesting backstory you have, does it mean groceries were also sold by relatives too?

shrimp • 29 January 2021 at 9:23 AM

@laylamocha
Yeah! Not in my town, but in this small town yes! Think of it more as like?? A self-sufficient farm town? Trading and bartering or borrowing for things rather than paying currency. They would still have stores, gas stations, ect. but most of the actual town is one or two families, with some people having moved there later.