I wrote a poem! :D

whispers • 7 December 2012 at 11:21 PM

Sitting on the porch
In that rocking chair
That creaky old thing we made with Grandpa,
When he was still here

As I hop in the car and slam the door shut,
You raise an arm, made of skin and bone
And wave a gentle goodbye
The engine roars drown out my thoughts,
And the dust that flying up from the road
Clouds my vision of you
When I look back as Im being driven away

Tears begin to bubble up, but I try to blink them away
Right now,
You're basically a feminine version of Grandpa
Right before he let go of the world and grew wings,
And left us here alone

I wasnt there from Grandpa; I never was
So I have to be there for you
When youre ready to let go as well
And float away up into the atmosphere
Please just wait a minute or two

I want to sing you asleep
As your eyes close for the last time
Before you will never awaken
I just want to give you a glimpse of me,
Before you leave
So when you grow your wings and are flying in the stars
That you'll wait for me for when I grow my own
And come up with you to stay
We'll sing each other to sleep
And put to rest what we left behind

All those lies, cries, and scars I told you about
Helped me make it through
But without you,
I wouldnt know what to do with my life
The tears would continuously stream down my face
Until I crack and crumple under pressure
Though, you'd listen to me like nobody else did
I'd tell my story of my introverted, bullied, awkward life
And you'd listen

Deleted • 7 December 2012 at 11:22 PM

On the phone with me
You'd allow my emotions to just pour out of me
Expressed through my sobs and words in between
But you'd be there for me
So if you can, just wait a littler longer
I'll lay your head gently on my knees
And sing you a lullaby as you fall asleep
While your wings develop and your eyes close for the last time
Then I'll do the same with mine
And wer'e never going to awaken
We just let go of it all

Growing our wings
We set off on this journey
In this land where well live forever
And as the wind begins
We take off
Together

Grandma,
Just wait up for me, okay?

whispers • 7 December 2012 at 11:26 PM

- 😊

Title; Grow our Wings
Author; me
Inspiration; The fact that I never knew my Grandpa because he died when I was young and that my grandma's health is declining. And she hates me, and that I want a better relationship with her. But she doesn't care that my feelings are hurt when she won't even answer the phone when I call just to wish her a happy birthday, merry Christmas, whatsoever. She plays favorites between her eight children, and of course, she never like my dad (her son). She just basically started to ignore us. I just want to talk to her again, I haven't seen her in 5 or so years :/


Pings!
@metaphor
@dreamer
@zero_chaos

inkpelt • 7 December 2012 at 11:37 PM

@whispers

That is so sweet! I can't believe your grandma would hate you when you're clearly attached to her. I think you should share your poem with your grandma.

If you're worried about having a better relationship with her, call her on the phone. Send her handwritten letters (more personal than type). Ask her about her life while you share yours. Grandmas love to impart knowledge 😊 They like to remind us that even as we get older and learn things, they still have knowledge to share with us. It makes them feel important.

I like your poem; I'm sure your grandma would too. I don't know your grandma, but I imagine she'd like to get to know you better as well 😊

Hope it works out for you and your grandma 😊

metaphor • 7 December 2012 at 11:50 PM

@whispers

Wow, this is a very moving poem. Losing a grandparent is hard, especially if you had to watch them suffer.

One thing that kind of threw me off was how the first stanza established a rhyme scheme, but the rest seems to go off into free verse. Is this intentional? Perhaps you could explain it to me?

"As I hop in the car and slam the door shut,
You raise an arm, made of skin and bone
And wave a gentle goodbye
The engine roars drown out my thoughts,
And the dust that flying up from the road
Clouds my vision of you
When I look back as Im being driven away"

I think that this stanza could be streamlined. It's a bit wordy, and would flow a lot better if you omitted or changed a few words.

For instance:

"And the dust that flying up from the road..."

Here, I think you may have meant:

"And the dust that flies up from the road..."

Also, the last line is a bit wordy. The passive voice kills the emotion because of the flow. Instead of saying "as I'm being driven away", you might want to say "as we drove away" or something.

"Tears begin to bubble up, but I try to blink them away
Right now,
You're basically a feminine version of Grandpa"

Mm, the word choices here don't click for me. The image of "tears bubbling up" is a bit hard to take in. Also, "basically a feminine version of Grandpa" breaks the flow as it sounds a bit too conversational here. Instead of telling us that she's a more feminine version of your grandpa, why not show us through specific details?

Also, reading the inspiration for this poem, I don't really feel that those very emotions come through. It doesn't feel like a bittersweet situation the way it does in your description; instead, it sounds more like the typical feeling of losing a grandparent.

I don't mean this in a harsh way. I truly believe that you could better convey these emotions here. It may take some time to find the right words and even courage to do so, but I feel your poem could benefit from this.

Overall, though, it's a very touching and cathartic poem. It just feels a little forced, mostly in the places I mentioned above. It doesn't feel as though you're completely giving yourself and your own emotions and experience to this poem. It's a hard thing to explain as I still can't write a poem about my Yia Yia without coming off too contrived, even though I have all the emotions in my head. I just haven't come up with the right words, but I'm working on it. So don't stress when writing. Just let it flow.

Good luck!

dreamer • 8 December 2012 at 11:54 AM

@Whispers This is definitely a very touching poem with lots of emotions. Nice job. 😊

It could use a few touch-ups, but all pieces of writing could. 😃 Do you write poems very often? Because if you're a beginner, then this is absolutely amazing for that. The first full, emotional poem (that I didn't have to do for a school project) was my poem "Bittersweet Lycanthropy". My two favorites words in one title. 😋

I can relate to the situation with your grandpa. I lost a grandfather (he wasn't related, but he's the only one I remembered) the day after Easter this year. :/ You're always going to feel like you didn't spend enough time with him, and you want to make up for it. At least you even *think* that way, though. There could be people who never stopped by at all and don't put another thought into it.

Good look girl. ❤️ The best thing you can do is talk it out in real life. That's hypocritical to say (since I never tell people in real life my feelings), but it's true.

geekgirl • 19 May 2015 at 6:23 PM

People
By:Me

We come in all different sizes;
Big, small, large, thin.
We have different personalities;
Sporty, Smart, Shy, Social.
We come from different places;
America, Europe, Asia, Africa.
We have different jobs;
Plumber, Janitor, Teacher, Doctor.
We like different things;
Sports, School, Music, Art.
We speak different languages;
English, Spanish, French, Chinese.
We like different foods;
Fruit, Vegetables, Meat, Seafood.
We are not all different though,
We all live on the same planet,
We all hope for peace and happiness,
We all have our own strengths, goals and talents,
And, we all will some day,
Get up the hill of Life.

Here is a poem I wrote, I hope it helps you through life.

Orderedchaos • 19 May 2015 at 6:36 PM

@geekgirl
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