Writing looking for feedback

beta • 30 December 2019 at 9:20 AM

I'm starting a "book" and I'm looking for some feedback on this. Is it too long or too short, have errors or mistakes, etc. Here it is!
(Please note it's not great as this is the first actual thing I've actually written without guidelines to follow for school •.•).

Life after the Gone is hard. Food is scarce, storms are plenty. It is particuarly hard on the mind, as I haven’t seen anyone in years since she came along... or was it decades? Time in the Gone is weird. Life seemed non-existent until she came along. She changed everything, for the better, or the worse.

It all started before the Gone. In the year of 2101. Humans had advanced so much in technology that there were no threats to human life in any shape or form. We had all the space we needed, as well as food and comfort. No one had to work, and everyone seemed happy. All the things in 2019 seemed so far away. War, pollution, climate change, election meddling, all gone. We had changed humans for the better. There I was, in the center of everything.

Another note: the indents didnt go through...

decay • 30 December 2019 at 9:40 AM

@stevepat2002
I feel like for the first part "Life after the Gone is hard" try describing why it's hard a bit more instead of just saying it's hard c:
You started this with the "I haven't seen anyone in decades" but I want more about why it's hard and why this place is different. I feel like that would catch my attention more since it's a prologue c:

It's a tip I learned for college admissions but works well with storytelling!

For example:
The food has begun to become scarce and every one of our meals is portioned. I could even count the vegetables on my plate. I ate 10 peas and half a carrot yesterday.

It describes the situation and allows the reader to have sympathy with the character c:

Also, I feel like it would be such an interesting contrast to the perfect world you describe later!

Sounds really interesting though!

beta • 30 December 2019 at 9:46 AM

@dcmaster thank you! I'll add more about why life in the Gone is so difficult!

decay • 30 December 2019 at 9:52 AM

@stevepat2002
Hope that helped!
Also, i'm interested in the mechanics (like why and how is the time weird) that'll be introduced in the Gone 😋
I feel like that would be great prologue material 😋

Also, just wanted to say that this is just my opinion c:
I'm not a huge writer but learned some tips that I wanna share with you 😋

beta • 30 December 2019 at 9:58 AM

@dcmaster thanks again! Well, one of the reasons time is weird is because of a reason that is partially driving the book that the reader isnt supposed to know yet...

decay • 30 December 2019 at 10:00 AM

@stevepat2002
Oh alright c:
I guess I meant more like how does time work in that world? c:

arcana • 30 December 2019 at 12:10 PM

@stevepat2002
Since the narrator-character seems to be recounting the story, maybe use hadn't instead of haven't in the first bit? Be wary of tenses.
Another thing I'd like to know is how this story is being told. Written down in diary or journal form? Told? Televised? That could play a big role in connotations.
Also, there is a bit of shock factor in use, which does lead to making it seem more cliche, although that's not necessarily a bad thing.
In the second paragraph, maybe put some more emotion, like "I miss those carefree, peaceful days."(that was bad)
And here's a tip, since you're writing from a character's point of view, don't write like yourself, write like them. Get worked up over things they get worked up about. Put emotion into things they regret, or feel sad about. It's hard to express a hollow voice or bowed head through mere plain words, but it can be done with word choice. After writing, re-read and see if another word fits better. You've probably gotten that tip already, but it's important.
If you want, I could be an editor of sorts. I'm curious to see where this story goes, although you may want more of a hook.

beta • 30 December 2019 at 12:22 PM

@Arcana Iᑎ Tᕼᗴ ᖴIᖇՏT ᗷIT YOᑌ ᑭOIᑎTᗴᗪ OᑌT, ᕼᗴ'Տ TᗩᒪKIᑎᘜ Iᑎ ᑭᖇᗴՏᗴᑎT TᗴᑎՏᗴ. I ᗰᗩᗪᗴ Տᑌᖇᗴ I ᘜOT Tᕼᗴ TᗴᑎՏᗴՏ ᖇIᘜᕼT ᗷᗴᖴOᖇᗴ I ᑭOՏTᗴᗪ ᕼᗴᖇᗴ :ᑭ (TᕼOᑌᘜᕼ I ᖴI᙭ᗴᗪ IT ՏO TᕼᗩT IT ᗯᗩՏ ᑕᒪᗴᗩᖇᗴᖇ ᑎOᗯ) Iᑎ Tᕼᗴ 2ᑎᗪ ᑭᗩᖇᗩᘜᖇᗩᑭᕼ I'ᗰ TᖇYIᑎᘜ TO TO ᗴᗰᑭᕼᗩՏIᘔᗴ Tᕼᗴ ᖴᗩᑕT TᕼᗩT ᗷᗴIᑎᘜ ᗩᒪOᑎᗴ ᖴOᖇ ՏO ᒪOᑎᘜ ՏᑌᑕKᗴᗪ Tᕼᗴ ᗴᗰOTIOᑎ OᑌT Oᖴ ᕼIᗰ. (ᗯᗴᒪᒪ... I TᕼIᑎK TᕼᗩTՏ ᕼOᗯ Tᕼᗴ ᕼᑌᗰᗩᑎ ᗷᖇᗩIᑎ ᗯOᖇKՏ...)

I ᗩᗰ ᗷᗩՏIᑎᘜ TᕼIՏ ᑕᕼᗩᖇᗩᑕTᗴᖇ Oᖴᖴ ᗰYՏᗴᒪᖴ, ᗰᗩKIᑎᘜ IT ᗴᗩՏIᗴᖇ TO ᗯᖇITᗴ Iᑎ ᕼIՏ ՏᕼOᗴՏ, ՏIᑎᑕᗴ TᕼᗴY'ᖇᗴ ᗰIᑎᗴ :ᑭ

I'ᗰ ᑎOT TOO ᗯOᖇᖇIᗴᗪ ᗩᗷOᑌT ᗩ ᕼOOK ᖇIᘜᕼT ᑎOᗯ. IT'Տ ᗴᗩՏIᗴᖇ TO ᗯᖇITᗴ TᕼOՏᗴ ᗩᖴTᗴᖇ Tᕼᗴ ՏTOᖇY IՏ ᗪOᑎᗴ.

crystalshard • 10 June 2020 at 11:41 PM

@stevepat2002
While personally I don't think length matters, I feel as though you should introduce some of the conflict or something that attracts the reader's attention in this passage. So far, it seems as though the pastures are green, the sun is shining and life is great. There is no intrigue that makes the reader want to continue. You seemed to be onto something with: 'There I was, in the center of everything.' But I feel as though you should add a bit more detail or curiosity. Such as: There I was, in the center of everything, armed with only a potato and a frying pan. (Or something interesting along those lines... you probably get the point)

Also, adding onto what @decay said, it's a bit optional in my opinion, but apparently people are more engaged in the story when you show it versus tell. For example: she felt nervous versus her heart thundered loudly within her chest while a shiver of anxiety crawled down her spine.

And finally, there are a couple of grammar changes here and there, but it's still readable:
Food is scarce, storms are plenty. -> Food is scarce. Storms are aplenty.
particuarly -> particularly

It's pretty good though for a first try free-writing.

distorted • 2 September 2020 at 11:40 AM

@stevepat2002 ooo I like it!