Outsider (story I wrote)

puppyloverlauren • 28 September 2012 at 7:41 PM

Hi! I am writing a story and decided to post it on Eggcave so I can get reviews on what you think about and how I should improve it! Enjoy!


Chapter 1
"Rise and shine, Lala! Today's a new day! I made your favo-OH MY GOODNESS LALA ARE YOU OKAY?!" mom yelled as she grabbed a specific seaweed. Okay, I'll tell you why my mom is screaming, I am currently...choking. Yes choking, for air, "HERE LALA CHEW THIS!" mom said as she stuffed the seaweed in my mouth. I coughed and coughed. I finally settled down. Okay, you are also probably wondering who I am and what that seaweed was. Well firstly, my name is Lala Hikari, 12 years old, and am a half mermaid.
Right now I'm human. So basically at random times I would either turn into human or mermaid. As for the seaweed, its special seaweed that help humans breath underwater, it last about an hour or two.
"Thanks mom, if you didn't come sooner, I would have been dead by now." I chuckled.
"Honey please don't stress yourself okay? If you're having any trouble come talk to me. Breakfast is ready, dress up and come downstairs." mom said as she was leaving my room.
"Kay mom! Sigh, I'll never get used to transforming." I sighed again. I dress up and walked down the beautiful pink coral steps. It was a big house, fairly larger than other merpeoples houses. All the houses were made out of corals.

please post for more!

Deleted • 28 September 2012 at 7:45 PM

@puppyloverlauren Interesting.... I WANT MORE NOW POSTY POSTY POSTY FOR YOU!!!

puppyloverlauren • 28 September 2012 at 7:47 PM

@izzfred Thanks! XD too bad it's limited to 1500 characters only D:

My dad is a human and my mom is a mermaid. She somehow turned into human and fell in love with dad one day. They got married and her I am.
It was a Monday morning which means, ugh, school. One reason I hate school was because of all the work. The second reason, was because I was being bullied. I didn?t mind it. It all started in second grade.
"Alright class! Today we have a new student!" Ms. Honey said. The door opened to reveal a young girl. "Why don't you introduce yourself?" Ms. Honey said.
"Hi! My name is Lala Hikari! My dad is a human!" the girl said. Everyone gasped. There was only one thing going on in the student and teacher's minds.
'Her dad was a human?!'
Ever since then people started teasing her and leaving her alone. She didn?t mind it though, she was always alone.
I sighed as I remembered that scene.
"I'm here mom! Ooohh! Seaweed soup for breakfast! My favorite!" I exclaimed in delight as I licked my lips.
"Hurry up sweetie! Or else you'll be late to school! Oh and don't forget your seaweed and some clothes for when you turn into human!" Mom yelled from the kitchen. I smiled and walked out the door, books and bags and all. We mermaid have magic but unfortunately, have textbooks to go along with them.

Deleted • 28 September 2012 at 7:47 PM

@puppyloverlauren yeah *reads while you post more*

himaja • 28 September 2012 at 7:52 PM

More!!!!

This is a sweet story!

@puppyloverlauren

Deleted • 28 September 2012 at 7:53 PM

@puppyloverlauren you mad eon of these in chit chat and one in entermainment etc

Orderedchaos • 28 September 2012 at 7:56 PM

@izzfred I moved this thread from Chit-Chat to the correct section. There aren't two of this thread, just the one. 😊

Deleted • 28 September 2012 at 7:58 PM

@orderedchaos oh thank you for reliving my confusion. 😊

tralala22 • 28 September 2012 at 8:02 PM

@puppyloverlauren I love this story! Please post more!!!

spirithawk • 28 September 2012 at 8:21 PM

@puppyloverlauren MOAR! 😈

luv • 28 September 2012 at 8:24 PM

@puppyloverlauren
Hey puppy! Do you mind some constructive criticism?
So, the story is good, but as a writer who's on the verge of publishing, I have some details.
Your ' have been turned into ?s, which happens often. It's a glitch because ' are different in Word than they are in real life.
You're a good writer, but make sure you edit it first. I recommend more description as well, but it's a very good story.
From one writer to another, good job, and if you ever need a tip, I'd be glad to give you one.

puppyloverlauren • 28 September 2012 at 8:48 PM

@izzfred 😊
@luv Thank you I edited it 😊 when I copy and paste it, it looks normal but when I post it the ' becomes ?

Once outside, I blew a whistle. A high-pitched sound echoed through the vast ocean floor. A few seconds foam was swirling all over the place. There floated and orange female dolphin.
Roa was a gift from my awesome friends Renji Mirakoe and Lana Mirakoe. (Oh by the way Renji is a boy and Lana is a girl. They are twins. Lana is pronounced Laina.) Renji and Lana had beautiful soft yellow hair, and soft eyes that calms even the mightiest of storms. Lana is a strong energetic girl that is fun to be around, she is very beautiful. Renji is also strong; he is also very handsome, guess that?s why he has a fan club.
"Take me to school Roa!" I commanded as I climbed onto Roa?s back. In less than 16 seconds I was at the front of the school. People always give me funny looks because I ride on dolphins but oh well. I opened the huge front doors and there was a huge crowd of merpeople. 'Meh, it?s always like this.'I thought as I tried to get through the crowd.

Deleted • 29 September 2012 at 9:11 AM

@puppyloverlauren ooooh More?

puppyloverlauren • 30 September 2012 at 5:45 PM

@izzfred @spirithawk @tralala22 😊

The crowd suddenly parted like the Red Sea (bible reference). I just had to be in the middle didn?t I? I looked to see the ?Popular? group something like fashion model walking thing down the hall. I ignored it until I felt the presence of the group standing right in front of me.



Sorry it's short, it's because the next chapter is coming 😸

Deleted • 30 September 2012 at 5:50 PM

@puppyloverlauren ooooh.

puppyloverlauren • 30 September 2012 at 5:52 PM

@izzfred the next chapter is waaaayyyy better XD

Chapter 2
"Well, well, what do we have here?" the leader said.
'Ugh not again.' I thought.
"Don't just stand there! Move out of the way LOSER don't you know who you're standing in front of?" sneered a girl in the group.
I took a step side-ways letting them pass. Renji and Lana were part of that group, because their dad was the owner of the school, they were recruited by the leader. Telling me that they had no choice because their dad told them not to cause any trouble, they couldn't help me out. I guess the reason was because many people in the group had parents that donated a bunch of sand dollars to the school. Still, I saw Renji holding Lana back. I chuckled, 'Same old Lana.' I thought.
*Ring!!! Ring!!!*
Well, time to go to class. My first period was Magic. I loved that class, simply because I had the best teacher ever!!! As I walked into class I turned into a mermaid again. Having saltwater fill my lungs refreshed my mind.

Deleted • 30 September 2012 at 5:54 PM

@puppyloverlauren interesting...

puppyloverlauren • 30 September 2012 at 5:54 PM

@izzfred Thank you so much for posting all the time DX


"Settle down now kids! Today we are starting to learn how to make water pearls!"Ms. Amai (ah-ma-ee) exclaimed. One thing that?s good about Ms. Amai, not that there isn't anything not good about her, is that she rarely uses textbooks and does the lesson with us! Anyways, pearls are items that have magic stored in them. That's why they are so popular and expensive in the human world. To make pearls, you channel your magic into a small sphere or space in your hands while thinking of the element.
"Since this time it is about water, think of the soft water flowing down the stream, or the raging sound of the waterfall! Whatever makes you think of water!" Ms. Amai bubbly explained.

Deleted • 30 September 2012 at 5:56 PM

@puppyloverlauren you're welcome I just do it for more cus' it's so good.

puppyloverlauren • 30 September 2012 at 5:58 PM

@izzfred thank you DX

spirithawk • 30 September 2012 at 5:59 PM

@puppyloverlauren Post? 😊

puppyloverlauren • 30 September 2012 at 6:00 PM

@spirithawk XD

I closed my eyes, it helps me concentrate better.
Think...A voice told me, soft waves gently overlapping the soft sand. The waves coming pulling you in little by little. Yet, you don't notice because of the soothing sounds. You don't notice... the waves coming out to grab you into the sea to drown you forever!!!!
I opened my eyes in surprise which made me jump a bit. "Is something the matter Lala?" Ms. Amai asked.
"Yeah, does little Lala have a boo-boo?" someone teased, the class burst into laughter.
"I-it's nothing Ms. Amai." I said glaring at the person who said that.
"Okay, but if you feel sick tell me."
"Yes Ms. Amai."

Deleted • 30 September 2012 at 6:26 PM

@puppyloverlauren more....

puppyloverlauren • 30 September 2012 at 9:27 PM

@izzfred

I looked down and saw the pearls that were in my hands. Instead of the light turquoise or sky blue ones the rest of the class had made, mine was red and black. The black particles swirling around the red background. It was kind of . . . like something was drawing me into the pearl. I shivered and quickly hid it away when I heard the class. I felt creeped out when I remembered that voice.
After a few classes, it was finally lunch time! I ate with my friends that I made during the school years. After I finished, I bought some delicious looking kelp cookies. Boy did they taste good.

pinkred • 30 September 2012 at 9:31 PM

@puppyloverlauren
Ooohh.
I wonder what gonna happen next! Nice story!

puppyloverlauren • 30 September 2012 at 9:34 PM

@pinkred Thank you 😊

"Hey Lala, can I have one?" my friend asked.
"No, sorry but I want to eat them all."I replied.
"Why are you always like this!? I?m just asking for one little cookie!" my friend hollered at me. She swam away as my other friends going after her. I sighed and looked at the popular table. There were Renji and Lana looking like they were having the best time of their lives. I swam away to get ready for the next class. I looked ahead to see three girls glaring at coming closer to me.

pinkred • 30 September 2012 at 9:45 PM

@puppyloverlauren
Lovely chapter! More! More! *says all that in frilly girl voice* 😃

puppyloverlauren • 30 September 2012 at 10:47 PM

@pinkred

Chapter 3
Ugh, it's those girls again. They use some random boy name and warn me to stay away, just so they could pick on me. Not to mention in front of a bunch of people. This really sucks.

"Oooh!! There they go again! I wonder what they will do to Lala this time?"
"I know it's so entertaining to watch them right?"
I looked at the people in disgust.
"You better stay away from Billy because he's MINE." The leader said.
Hmm? Billy huh? Last time it was Chad. Can't think of any better names huh?

hedwig68 • 30 September 2012 at 10:52 PM

@puppyloverlauren

XDDDD Billy? I read that part and started laughing.

puppyloverlauren • 30 September 2012 at 10:54 PM

@hedwig68 lol thank you XD

"Yeah, yeah hurry up and beat me up so I can go to class already." I said.
"So you finally surrender and just accept this huh? You are filthy and despicable. No one likes you, you disgusting human. Your mom probably got sick and tired of your dad because of his human actions, no?" she taunted.
I snapped.
I didn't know what was happening, one moment I was on the ground, the next I felt a sting on my hand and a half surprised girl holding her cheek.
"DON'T YOU EVER BRING MY PARENTS INTO THIS!!!" I screamed, tears threatening to fall.
The whole hallway became silent.
So silent that you could hear a fish fart like 90 miles away.