Hi, I kind of wrote a poem. I would love feedback.

seaangel • 26 October 2012 at 9:42 PM

Darkness

Hushed winds start roaring
The darkness closes in,
As the cold rolls.
Scary, and mysterious

Screams from the night.
Escape as you try
Cannot hide!
It's pow'r to strong.

It comes out of nowhere
Covers you in a cape.
In sadness and hate.
No one can you hear you scream.

Yes, it' short, but it's a firsty.
@aizel what do you think. I would like your response.

aizel • 27 October 2012 at 7:50 AM

@seaangel

A FIRST! Wowza, you got talent. I love the feeling it expresses - desperation and lack of hope, hate, but also a big amount of sadness.

Short, simple and sweet. It's lenght put me off at first, but it's vagueness actually accented on the entire theme of the poem - darkness, which we cannt understand, cannot hide from.

It's wonderful. :')

Hope you don't mind me pinging some people? More users need to see this. =D

@chapus2009
@misty
@bunnyshadow
@iceyfira

misty • 27 October 2012 at 9:06 AM

@seaangel I think its very well written. I like it alot. Just a lieetttle bit of constructive critisim: use similies and metaphors.
EX.:
"The darkness coiled around the children's hearts, like a snake"

seaangel • 27 October 2012 at 10:22 AM

@misty
Thanks, for the constructive critisim. I don't mind it and it helps me out, A LOT. I showed this to my writing teacher and she was surprised considering that I'm only in the sixth grade.

@aizel
I don't mind if you ping people. Also, you really think it's that good? I guess it's okay. I don't know, I just felt like writing something and this is what came out.

aizel • 27 October 2012 at 10:24 AM

@seaangel It's not professional, I can say that. And there are flaws in every poem, but for a first... I don't know what to say. Wowza. XD

misty • 27 October 2012 at 10:36 AM

@seaangel As long as you write your thoughts down theres no way it can be bad 😃

iceyfira • 27 October 2012 at 11:22 AM

@seaangel

Such a thought provoking poem. o3o I love writing things like that. 😸 And you, my friend, are uberly epic at writing.

seaangel • 27 October 2012 at 11:28 AM

@iceyfira

Thank you awesome buddy.

iceyfira • 27 October 2012 at 11:36 AM

@seaangel


Your very welcome. 😸 Im so bored right now. Go here:



http://iceyfira.deviantart.com/

chapus • 27 October 2012 at 12:04 PM

@seaangel I like it. c: It really looks like you've put your mind into it, which is a trick to writing good poems. 😉

Although the punctuation is a bit... strange. On the first paragraph, I don't understand why you put the point at the end of the 3rd line. o3o I guess I'm just not used to seeing that... P:

I love the last paragraph though. ^-^It's very artistic and abstractic. 😸 You have an mistake:

It's powr' toO strong.

You just forgot a O. xD