[ CLOSED ] WRITING Contest! *Win IMMORTAL Old LE's!*

spiritkoi • 9 March 2014 at 12:06 PM

@pegasasu Wow, can't believe I got to round 2. xP Do you have any constructive criticism for me?

jupiter_hollow • 9 March 2014 at 12:16 PM

@pegasasu

*stuffs admittance ticket in bag and slithers under a rock* Shhhhhh... nobody can know >u>

I'm gonna post now after I finish this scene; then I'll start with another. I think I'll write this fully by the end of the contest. xD

pegasasu • 9 March 2014 at 12:20 PM

@spiritkoi

I loved your entry. It was really interesting reading from such a unique point of view! The only improvement I would try to make is vocabulary/word choice, replacing words like "strongly" and such. Overall, it was awesome!

@jupiter_hollow

You can enter it for Round 2, if ya want. c; They don't have to be finished entries, plot-wise. ^^

spiritkoi • 9 March 2014 at 12:25 PM

@pegasasu Thanks! I'll work on that. *grabs thesaurus*

jupiter_hollow • 9 March 2014 at 12:25 PM

@pegasasu

It'd be cheating since my entry is practically ready xD

cirrus • 9 March 2014 at 8:26 PM

@pegasasu

Yes, @cirrus is my side. Although eventually I'll stop being so lazy and make it my new main.

XDD America's Next Top Model

Yaaay! I made it. 😉 Can I have some constructive criticism, emphasis on the constructive, please? 😃

pegasasu • 9 March 2014 at 8:36 PM

@spiritkoi

LOL, thesaurus.com is amazing for writing-- //killed

@jupiter_hollow

Hrrrmmm... Well, if anyone //really// is struggling with the deadlines, I'm pretty chill... ;>

@skittlejg

Ahh transferring creatures is a pain, isn't it? And definitely! There are a few minor grammatical errors, but nothing that a semicolon can't fix.

Example:
Original: "They preferred to live away from society, Leroux, Luke and I preferred to be a part of it."
Fixed: "They preferred to live away from society; Leroux, Luke and I preferred to be a part of it."

I would aim to add a bit more imagery/figurative language to spice up longer paragraphs. In the paragraph where Leroux is describing he and Aithne's fight with the Carnies, the actions are blatantly stated.

"I send daggers of ice into the Carnies. I dodge a ball of fire, Aithne's. About five Carnies surround me. I create a fence of jagged ice spikes. Crystals of ice swirl around me, forming shards like glass and exploding outward."

Leroux kind of just states what's happening, but you could use a bit of figurative language to jazz it up. Overall, it was a lovely entry. ^^

fizzlefruit • 9 March 2014 at 9:01 PM

@pegasasu Did ya judge yet?😋

satoshi818 • 9 March 2014 at 9:30 PM

@pegasasu

What about me? *thinks has been abandoned*

pegasasu • 10 March 2014 at 4:51 PM

@fizzlefruit @satoshi818

Sorry to say that the list of those moving on is here:

@pjbuzzy
@skittlejg
@spiritkoi
@whispers
@choocalate
@starling
@arcticwonders
@_black3333_
@bunnyshadow
@kiryko

cirrus • 10 March 2014 at 5:43 PM

@pegasasu Okay thanks! 😃 Is there a theme for this round?

pegasasu • 10 March 2014 at 5:48 PM

@skittlejg

Nope!

@arcticwonders
@_black3333_
@bunnyshadow
@kiryko

pjbuzzy • 13 March 2014 at 11:19 AM

@pegasasu I'll just do my second entry now 😋 Its a continuation of my first entry. Also, I would love some constructive critisism (sorry, I can't spell xD), if you can ^^

Anyways, here's the next part of my story:

TOTEM, Part 2
by @pjbuzzy


The bear pushed through the piles of snow, as a small mountain of snowflakes grew upon its back from the heavy snowfall. It ran fast, plowing the snow out of its way and leaving a deep crevasse in the snow from its weight. Everything was silent, except for the bears panting breaths. They billowed out of its mouth like smoke, before dissolving in the cold air. Even as the snowfall became heavier and visibility disappeared, the animal trudged on through the wintry land. It wouldn't stop until it found what it was looking for.


I spun around in circles, desperately trying to figure out where in the world I was. To be honest, it was kind of plain. There was nothing particularly special about this place. There were trees, lots of trees. Tall grass that came up to my knees, and clouds, dirt, rocks... It seemed just like any other field. I looked around, searching for something familiar. I looked up into the sky and was relieved to see the sun, the same sun that I had lived under for 13 years. At least I knew I was still on the same planet. Or who knows, maybe I wasn’t. I wasn’t sure of anything anymore. I tipped my head back, my face towards the sky, and screamed.
“Where am I? Where have you taken me?” I waited. No answer, though I wasn’t really sure if I had been expecting one.
“Why did you take me here? What am I supposed to do? I don’t even know where I am!” Still, nothing. I picked up a pebble and hurled it at the sky. It just did what one would expect a pebble to do, flew across the sky before landing in the grass, out of sight. I sighed. What was I doing? Screaming at the sky, throwing pebbles into the air… I was going insane. I sat down on the ground, tall grass reaching up towards the sky. I looked up at the clouds, just swimming through the clouds as if they had nothing else to do, which I suppose they didn’t. I traced circles on the ground, swirling my finger through the dirt. A ladybug crawled up a stem of grass, and a beetle crawled across the ground. Did they know where we were? No, thats stupid. They’re just bugs. Still, I wondered if bugs had thoughts, and if they did, what about? I poked the beetle with my finger and it curled up into a ball. I watched it for awhile, but suddenly, I bolted to my feet. What was I doing? Sitting in the dirt and poking beetles while I should be trying to figure out where I was! I looked around, and decided to venture off into the forest. It would be cool and shady there, and it would protect me from the sun. I began running towards the trees, not even thinking about what might await me there.


“WHERE IS GRACE??!?” Lindsay shouted. She had been waiting for her friend for 15 minutes, but she hadn’t shown up. “Maybe she went into the Totem House without me,” she mumbled, frustrated at her friend for ditching her, and mad at her brother for taking so long to get ready that morning. Maybe if he had hurried his stupid butt up, they could have arrived at the Totem House on time, and Lindsey could be with Grace right now. She watched her brother as he chased bugs and threw pinecones into the bushes. Lindsey felt bad for him because he was only five, and still had eight years to wait until he got his spirit animal. But Lindsey was getting hers today, and she could hardly wait! She wondered what animal Grace had gotten, but she pushed away the thought because she was positive that she and her friend would both be otters. If they didn’t, Lindsey would be both disappointed and angry. The Totem Gypsy had to know that she and Grace were destined to be otters. They had been planning it since they were in Toadstool School!
“Linds, you can wait five more minutes for Grace, but then you have to go in,” Lindsey’s mother demanded.
“Yeah yeah, ok, whatever,” Lindsay mumbled in reply, though she hadn’t really been paying too much attention. She was too busy examining her purple crystal and day-dreaming.


The bear continued to run through the storm. It didn’t even know how long it had been running, but it did know that it hadn’t stopped. The song in its head was stronger than when it had first started. It remembered when it first heard that song, so sad and lonely, beckoning to the bear to find it’s source. The bear had left without another thought, it just knew that it had to find whoever was singing that song.


I ran through the forest, and I had absolutely no idea where I was, or where I was going. Even though I hated this place, I had to admit, the forest was beautiful. A thick canopy of tree leaves covered up the sky, with little rays of light poking through in certain spots. The slight wind blew through the leaves, making peaceful rustling noises. The ground was illuminated with green light from the leaves above, and patches of sunlight speckled the earth underfoot. But I didn’t have time to “stop and smell the flowers”, so to speak, although I didn’t see any flowers anywhere. Eventually I came across a small patch of purple flowers, but needless to say, I didn’t stop to smell them. I ran and ran, my feet thumping against the mossy ground. My throat was burning, and my legs felt like they were going to snap. But I kept running anyways. Finally, when I thought I was going to pass out, I sat down on an uprooted tree root. I sat there panting for who know how long. I didn’t get up again until I heard the scream.


Lindsay had ended up in some sort of weird forest. She didn’t know how or why, but the last things she remembered were being assigned the Wolf as her spirit animal, throwing a tantrum, and then this. Appearing in the woods. She screamed as loud as she could, because what else could she do? She lay down on a log and began crying. When Lindsey cried, she was not secretive about it. She would sob and scream and throw a tantrum, mainly to get attention. It then occurred to her that no one was around to give her any attention. Or so she thought.


I ran, trying to seek out the source of that scream, and the sobs that had followed it. In the back of my mind, and idea was tugging at my brain, but I pushed it away. It was impossible. But I had heard those sobs too many times, and I knew who they belonged to. But how? How did Lindsay get here? The sobs got louder as I got closer, and I finally found my friend curled up in a ball on top of a log, her back to me. I walked over and whispered, “Linds?” The sobbing stopped, and she went still. Suddenly, I was nervous that maybe it wasn’t her. She sat up slowly and turned around, shock on her face. Yup, it was definitely her, with those shocking blue eyes and sea of freckles on her cheeks.
“Grace?” she said, confusion in her voice. I nod, and she throws her arms around my neck, wrapping me up in a tight embrace.
“Where in the world are we?” She asks.
“No clue,” I respond. “Some sort of forest.”
She raises her eyebrow. “Really? I hadn’t noticed,” she said sarcastically. I am about to speak, when suddenly, we hear a man’s voice behind us.
“I know where we are!”


We spun around instantly. A man stood a few yards away from us smiling. He was wearing a black jacket and black pants, and his brown hair stuck out in the front, but it looked as if he did it that way on purpose. He was tan, and his teeth were very white. He looked about 17 years old, but I couldn’t tell for sure.
“Who exactly are you? And where are we?” Lindsay asked, her voice full of attitude.
“I’m Aizel,” he replied. “And I don’t actually know where we are. I just said that so you would turn around.” Lindsay raised her eyebrow again. That was sort of her signature thing, she did it all of the time.
“And I’m supposed to believe you because…?” Lindsay said, her eyebrow still raised. Aizel shrugged. “Dunno, I just hoped that I could come up with something convincing to
say, and you might believe me.” He smirked, and shrugged again. Lindsay sighed and turned towards me.
“Should we trust him?” She whispers.
“We don’t really have much choice.”
“But what if he’s an evil psychopath who wants to kill us?”
“I’m not going to kill you!” Aizel bursts into our “secret” conversation.
“And how are we supposed to know that you aren’t lying?” Lindsay says frustratedly.
“Again, dunno. I’m just hopin’ that you believe me.”
I turn back to Lindsay. “He seems pretty innocent, we can at least give him a chance. Maybe he’s lost like us,” I say. Lindsay looks me in the eyes, and she can tell that I mean it. She sighs and nods her head. She turns back to Aizel.
“Fine, you can come with us. But don’t you dare try to murder us or anything.”
He smiles and walks over to join us.

~*~ TO BE CONTINUED NEXT ROUND ~*~

jupiter_hollow • 13 March 2014 at 5:58 PM

@pjbuzzy I've a chara named Aizel too xD But she's female =P
Love the story ^^

pjbuzzy • 13 March 2014 at 6:18 PM

@jupiter_hollow I was trying to come up with a cool name, and that just popped into my head xD I figured it could be a guy too, right? I knew you would like it because of your side account 😊

jupiter_hollow • 13 March 2014 at 6:34 PM

@pjbuzzy Yeah, it's actually named after my Aizel xD

Oi, i do like it.

pegasasu • 13 March 2014 at 6:47 PM

@pjbuzzy

Thank you! I only have entries from you, @starling, and @whispers so far for Round 2 :<

PINGS:
@skittlejg
@spiritkoi

spiritkoi • 13 March 2014 at 6:49 PM

@pegasasu I'm working on it!

Pings:
@arcticwonders
@_black3333_
@bunnyshadow
@kiryko

pegasasu • 13 March 2014 at 6:51 PM

@spiritkoi

Good to know, thank you! 😃 Good luck~ [ And thank you for the pings :> ]

spiritkoi • 13 March 2014 at 6:54 PM

@pegasasu Thanks! And you're welcome. 😃

Last Ping:
@choocalate

jupiter_hollow • 13 March 2014 at 7:06 PM

@pegasasu

Present or past tense?

I have this all written in present tense. xD

pegasasu • 13 March 2014 at 7:07 PM

@jupiter_hollow

wat 😃

jupiter_hollow • 13 March 2014 at 7:08 PM

@pegasasu

Okay, choose:

His muscles ripple under the perfectly tailored shoulder pads of his cotton English suit, expanding the fabric drastically even though this particular garment of clothing has been designed especially to fit the colossal expanse of his ribcage and the wide stretch of his frame -- a pride and joy to wear, though he can’t seem to summon any amount of narcissism or vanity to make him care about any of the ripping silk-string seams, or register his shirt spilling nacre buttons along the way.
The oil-spotted pearl silk hugs his body perfectly, accentuating the calmness in each step. Dirty white gloves cling to his blood-slick fingers, balled up in a steady fist. His hair is pulled back, face unobscured in its darkened. His eyes shine crimson red.

or

His muscles rippled under the perfectly tailored shoulder pads of his cotton English suit, expanding the fabric drastically even though this particular garment of clothing had been designed especially to fit the colossal expanse of his ribcage and the wide stretch of his frame -- a pride and joy to wear, though he couldn't seem to summon any amount of narcissism or vanity to make him care about any of the ripping silk-string seams, or register his shirt spilling nacre buttons along the way.
The oil-spotted pearl silk hugged his body perfectly, accentuating the calmness in each step. Dirty white gloves clung to his blood-slick fingers, balled up in a steady fist. His hair was pulled back, face unobscured in its darkened. His eyes shone crimson red.

If you can't see the difference, one's in present tense, one's in past tense. =P

pegasasu • 13 March 2014 at 7:10 PM

@jupiter_hollow

Hmm, as a general rule, I go for present tense in first person and past tense for third person, but I actually prefer the present tense for that selection. ^^

The first sentence is so long but omf so riveting just I can't cries-- OTL

jupiter_hollow • 13 March 2014 at 7:12 PM

@pegasasu

Some parts sound better in present, some parts sound better in past. There's a lot of action... which doesn't sound all that well in past. xD Idk, I've got it mixed so I want an opinion =P

pjbuzzy • 13 March 2014 at 7:44 PM

@jupiter_hollow 😉

@pegasasu You like it?

Deleted • 13 March 2014 at 7:45 PM

@pegasasu

I'm here! Thought I missed it for a little bit... Now, I shall begin.

I start to wake up, but my vision is still foggy. Everything is a blur, but I start to unfurl my limbs from my sleeping position. I am sore all over, and the light is blinding. I can hear radio chatter somewhere, but I'm not entirely sure where from. I am lying on my back on hard marble floor. My arm hurts where I got stabbed. Some sort of sleeping poison, and then the world starts to spin. I am turning around and around and around. I close my eyes to attempt to center myself, even a little bit.
I must have fallen asleep again. I feel better now, and I can think more than I was able to last time. It occurs to me that I am sitting in a bed now. One of the first things I see when I look around is a woman around my age (maybe a year or two older) in a black blazer sitting on a white chair in a white room on a white floor, texting on a black phone. Her hair is up in a bun, and her hair is dark brown, even though her skin is pale; almost like snow. She looks up and makes eye contact with me. She types a few words, saying them as her fingers hit the keys. "She is awake. You can all come down when you want."
"Hi." I say stupidly. My voice is hoarse. "Where am I?"
"Hi. You're home again."
I manage to sit up in my bed. I notice that this is also white. And very comfortable. I'm tempted to lie back down. "I had a home, and I loved it. Why am I here instead?"
The other girl looks startled, but regains her composure. "Of course you don't know... It's kind of hard to explain... And most people don't like what they hear."
"I can take it," I inform her.
She looks around nervously. "Well, to start off with, you're still on your own planet. But you're in a different city."
"And what's the difference?"
"The difference is that you were mostly dreaming your life for seventeen years. This city is real."

spiritkoi • 13 March 2014 at 7:46 PM

@pegasasu

Here it is!! 😋 Can you figure out who's point of view it is?

My eyes scanned the horizon as the Light left the Soaring Blue. The darkness was consuming the gold with its jaws of black. A brush of wind whispered something faint, something I could not perceive. I had a terrible feeling of dread. My head flicked upwards to watch the little fireflies that were sprinkling the Endless Dark to shake the feeling. Their light would flicker faintly in greeting as more came to join them. I sighed in envy; they didn’t have a care in the world as they twinkled above. As if the thought summoned them, they appeared with their red eyes a blazed. The monsters. I shrieked in terror as I struggled to escape. My hairs were fluttering as the breeze, the cruel breeze worked against me. It laughed mockingly as the blurs of black gained on me. This would be my final hour. As I began to embrace the fact that this would be my demise I saw the Light. Its bright blue radiance would surely banish the demons. With a burst of new determination, I sped toward my soon-to-be savior.

The wind whistled encouragingly as the captivating blue light grew closer. I was almost there! From behind the demons screeched in fury and defeat. Their wing beats were soon out of earshot. They were gone. I slowed to a more comfortable pace as the fireflies sparkled in admiration. I glanced at the stunning light, an elegant lady batting her eyes. In a trance, I moved onward as she continued to entrance me. I carefully reached for the Light. ZZZZ! Fiery pain tore though me as I spiraled to the Earth. The wind was right, I thought bitterly. This was my final hour.

pegasasu • 13 March 2014 at 7:49 PM

@jupiter_hollow

That's true. Descriptions sound better in past, but present tense is more suitable for action... The struggle is real-- //killed

@choocalate

Thank you!

@pjbuzzy

It's a great entry! ^^

@spiritkoi

Thank you! Hmmm, I'm thinking... A moth?

spiritkoi • 13 March 2014 at 7:50 PM

@pegasasu Grr, your good... xP